Stuck in Love

In High School I had this one English teacher who had us write in a journal everyday for homework. We had to write three pages a day and show it to her. It could be about anything we wanted just had to be the required length of pages. Seeing the way their Dad had them writing in a journal and paying them for it so they could focus on writing rather than a minimum wage job… reminded me of my teacher. I also liked how the Dad said that a writer is the sum of their experiences… and I have found that to be true. Sometimes we can imagine events that might happen or we can draw from the things we have been through and write about it. Add characters to liven up the telling and change names to protect the innocent or the guilty…

I really felt like the daughter and I had a lot in common. A good relationship with our Dad’s. Love to read. Cynical about love. I feel like there are two different types of people in the world: realists and hopeless romantics… I used to be what I would call a romantic…looking for love and getting my heart broken over and over again. Now I feel like I am more of realist. I kinda even like her motto…

Avoid love at all costs…that’s my motto.

I have been single for quite awhile now. I have gotten so used to it that I really like it. I can’t really see myself being with someone. I like coming and going when I please…and planning trips with my friends. I see movies, concerts, hockey games, travel to new places, and lots more… I can’t say I don’t miss some things but for the most part I do not miss the drama and the fighting that comes along with a relationship. (Well they have always been very much a part of any relationship I had in the past.) Life is too short to live it unhappy. I have always been scared of lots of things but more scared of not trying at all. So I take chances. Sometimes it pays off. Other times it doesn’t.

So here is where I currently am in my life. My Mom and I don’t talk. She likes being around whatever guy she is dating and doing drugs more than talking to her own daughter. Even before we didn’t really have the greatest relationship. My Dad and I have done nothing but grow closer the past 10 years… he is like my best friend. The end of last year was very difficult for me as I thought I had lost my grandmother. She is like my other best friend. She was very sick for a long time and just wasn’t herself. So I could still talk to her but she didn’t always understand or even realize who I was. Sometimes she thought I was my mom…or other people. Now she is better and I am happy to have her where I can talk to her again…but I don’t feel like I can tell her what is bothering me anymore because of a lot of things mostly I am scared of loosing her. Her husband and my grandfather died this past January. When I am not blogging and spilling out all my feelings in posts… I work a full time job and take two classes a semester at the local college. I lead a busy existence. When it gets to much I try to slow down and remember to enjoy the small moments I spend with friends and family.

So live for the now…spend as much time as you can with the ones you love…and always be true to yourself.

Until the next time…catch you on the flip side.

The perks of being a wallflower

So this statement pretty much sums me up today…well most days really. This is my life. I was happy when work was over but sad for the events that transpired after that. I feel like I went to go say goodbye maybe for the last time to a special person. One who’s cancer is taking their life way to early. In this case you do have a chance to say your goodbyes. I did have a few times where death was unexpected and sudden… One day they were here and the next they were just gone.

The most important things are the hardest to say…

I find that the following statement has so much truth in it that the most important things are the hardest to say. When that happens I find that taking my time to get it out any way possible works the best for things left unsaid tend to eat away at you. The “what ifs” come at you over and over accusing you for all the unknown roads that you could have traveled. I have so many… it makes me remember the classic poem by Robert Frost…the Road not Taken. I wanted to share the poem with you just in case you forgot the elegant prose it contains.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;        

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,        

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.        

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Frost shows me how he understands that we have to pick one path. He goes as far to say he is sorry that he cannot travel down both paths. I envision him picking the path less traveled as he describes it as “grassy and wanted wear”. He even notes that even though both had worn down about the same that he did in fact the the one less traveled at the end of the poem… stating that it “made all the difference!” I feel this way about the paths I chose to walk in my own life. I certainly have not picked the usual ones but have enjoyed the journey along the way. Knowing that path leads to the next two choices of pathways to take and I will never come back this way again…

Something jumped out at me from this photo with this certain quote on it. I have lived my life sometimes very recklessly at times and other times I have spent hours, days, and even months trying to distance myself from people in general. I feel like this blog is an outlet that let’s me choose how I wish to share the details of past or sometimes current events from my life with you…to participate in such a way with you.

Since I am sharing poetry with you tonight I will go ahead and share my favorite poem. I don’t have words to share what it means to me but hoping you will understand just from the reading of it…as with a beautiful song that touches your heart deeply by the hearing of it. I found two that I am fond of so here they are without further introduction.

Another poem by Frost…

As with everything in life this blog post too must end… so until next time see you on the flip side.

Zombieland

You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

My absolute favorite line from the movie… I picked this title for this post because I have been reading a lot of Zombie books here of late… from Mira Grant’s Newsflesh trilogy (Feed, Deadline, & Blackout) to Jonathan Mayberry’s Rot and Ruin series which I just finished… In Grant’s books I really loved Shaun Mason… and I think it would be fun to be an Irwin. Though since they are all bloggers I kinda see this as my tribute to those books… Even though I don’t have Zombies to taunt that I can go poke with a stick while filming myself so I can post the video later on here for ratings… One of my favorite characters in Rot and Ruin ended up being Benny Imura. He wasn’t my favorite at first but he grew on me as he showed more of his skills getting out of perilous situations with crazy plans. The ending showed just how much he had grown to figure out a somewhat psychotic plan that out witted the crazed Saint John psychopath with his legions of reapers (followers of his wayward religious views). Who knew I would throughly enjoy reading Zombie books?

Enjoy the little things…October has always been like my favorite month ever… From having Halloween in it to most of the time this month signals the start of cooler weather to come here in Texas… though this year still has been quite warm. My show Grimm started back last Friday so that also has made me happy. It also gives me an excuse to watch Donnie Darko which takes place in the month of October. Where The Nightmare before Christmas airs on TV. Where people love going to haunted houses… this Halloween I will be seeing a Dallas Stars game (LOVE Hockey!) I had shirts made for my friend and I to wear to the game… and the artist at work did an awesome job on them as you can see below… my friend wanted to be Columbus so I picked Tallahassee of course…

Tallahassee: My mama always told me someday I’d be good at something. Who’d a guessed that something’d be zombie-killing?

So I was leaving class the other day… I have a night class. I was thinking of all the rules that were talked about in the movie… how Columbus has a lot of fears and that are where his “rules” come from. Like the rule below…which I do make a habit of using…

but I have a rule that is unique to me I suppose. I have a rule that I normally will not let other people be behind me on a flight of stairs. Does anyone have a rule like that? Anyways my rule stems from a time I was hanging out with this guy who thought it would be funny to push me down the last few steps to see what I would do… well I normally am a klutz and trip over flat ground but for some reason instead of trying to hurriedly stumble down I jumped down and almost made it okay but the forward moment made me fall to my knees instead. It ended up not only getting hurt from said event but it was forever burned into my mind.

I hope this post hasn’t jumped around and completely lost ya… but it is growing late and I have work tomorrow…

Columbus: So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I’m Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone

I have always loved the premise of this movie. Have a relationship. Get close to someone and then have your heart broken. After that you get a nifty little procedure done that rids you of all the memories of that person. But the irony of the whole thing is that the two main characters end up meeting again… they fall in love again. Brilliant! I really like stories that have somewhat quirky plots such as this.

Memories are such funny things. They can make you happy, or sad, and sometimes angry. I have so many that sometimes they can overwhelm me and depress me as well. I feel that most of the time the reason that a relationship didn’t work out for me is because it was never meant to be… the hardest one to get over was the one I was with the longest. We lived together the entire time almost that we were together. We met at where I worked. He came through my check out line and asked me for my phone number. Oh if I could go back and not give it to him… how much different would my life be? Our first date he picked me up from work and had a rose in the seat. We went out to eat with his best friend and his girlfriend then went to go see a movie. At that time right before I was living at my Dad’s and he told me that he didn’t give us 6 months… so I guess I wanted to prove him wrong.

So after about the first week I started living with Jason. I thought at first that the little fights we would have were just from trying to get to know one another…from not being used to living together. It’s hard for me to remember much good about that time. I do remember that when he would get up to go to work he would kiss me goodbye. I just got so used to living with someone and sleeping next to someone. That is what hurt the most afterwards. The feeling of complete loneliness I felt sleeping alone might be why I prefer sleeping on the couch rather then on my bed.

He started saying things to me… mean hurtful things and then was like I was just kidding. I always remember this time I was standing in the kitchen. I was very upset later on in our relationship because what guy only wants to have sex with you once a month? Really?  So I was talking to him about that while making dinner. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I was thinking the whole time oh how sweet… I couldn’t have been more wrong. He told me the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was for a couple of reasons. One was he wanted me to get back down in weight to what I was when we first met… and he said something else then he told me that he didn’t want me to end up looking like my mom. I was speechless at the time. Looking back on it I wish I had turned around and slapped him hard. Looking back I know he was verbally abusive and I just took it. Finally his friends told him that he was being an ass to me and he didn’t know how to stop being that way so we broke up.

For some reason we did get back together but I was the one to finally end it. I remember 2 weeks before I did we had this conversation… when he was mad at me he would always say that I needed to go to my Dad’s for a few days. I would fight back saying I payed the rent too and so I wasn’t going anywhere. This night in particular he was pissing me off. So I told him I was going to take a few days and stay at my Dad’s house. He was sitting on the couch looking up at me and had this cocky smirk on his face. He said, ” You’ll never leave me…” and it was 2 weeks to the day of him making that statement that I did in fact leave him. Next door to us his best friend lived. I had grown close to his wife. We talked after he left so I could get some of my stuff out of the house. I stayed to long talking. As I was pulling out he was coming back…he followed me and waved me down. So I stopped to hear what he had to say… the first thing out of his mouth was “go put your crap back in the house”. Isn’t that so romantic? NOT! In that conversation he couldn’t tell me he loved me but that he liked me. So that was it for me and I told him no way and I was done.

I don’t think I have ever had a healthy relationship in my life. Either I liked him way more or he liked me more than I liked him. But you can get so caught up in the looks you get. Or the physical interactions between you that it feels right… when in reality it is nothing but oh so wrong.

I believe as human beings we were made to crave affection and connection from others. We have this need to feel loved. We receive it sometimes hopefully from our parents or at least from one parent if we get lucky. We can also get it from our extended family there again if we get lucky. Some get lucky enough to get it from a spouse. In the end no one really wants to be alone. It comes down to choice then. I feel that I choose to remain alone because it is easier than all the messy feelings and problems that come into your life from a relationship. It is just hard as you know to be alone once you have lived with someone. All the closeness you miss. Sleeping alone for me as you could have guessed is the worst…but after time it get easier. It gets where it doesn’t even bother you most of the time… I might change my mind in the future…who knows? Until then I will enjoy my time being single. I can come and go as I please. I have lots of friends who I do things with. I am free!

Until next time…catch you on the flip side!

Lie to me*

How I wish that over my life I had been able to read people’s micro expressions. Maybe it would have helped me out. Or I could be watching too much of the series “Lie to me”! One or the other options is highly likely.

I have to go off of gut feelings and experiences I have been through to know if someone is lying to me. I guess as we go along that doing that also becomes a skill. It can feel like you have been lied too so much that it seems like no one tells you the truth. I have been there and getting rid of those people in your life who keep lying to you is the best remedy… but don’t take my word for it as it has to be your decision. Once you have been hurt by the lies and backstabbing enough you may change your mind and cut your losses. Or not that is up to you. You have to be okay with burning bridges in the end.

I feel for the main character on the show Cal. It must be tough being able to read people that well. It would probably shock most of us just how many people tell small white lies all the way to huge whopper of a tales all the time day in and day out… but he can see through all of that.

The show is based upon a real man Paul Ekman. His website is found at paulekman.com and has more on this topic of course… As you can tell from my blog post this is a topic that really has not only caught my attention but fascinates me!

Another thing I like about the show is the detective like quality of it. I always like figuring out who did it…probably a good idea to choose to be a paralegal. I also love doing research so that type of paper in college was my favorite!  I just want to finish school is my main goal at the moment. I kind of have wanted to work for the FBI since I can remember but not sure that dream will work out… as long as I can have some shot at a career in the legal profession I will be happy.

Till the next time…see you on the flip side!

Pineapple Express

Have you ever had one of those embarrassing moments? Come on don’t lie almost everyone has at least one if not more they wish they could forget about… sweep under the rug and I think you know what I mean. Well this is just one of my embarrassing moments from my past. **Spoiler alert if you are fan of smoking pot this post might not be for you…** or maybe you will laugh at my embarrassment who knows… any who the story continues…

This happened back in my early college days. Right after high school… I was hanging out around a local band. I worked with the guitarist for said band and went to listen to them practice. I loved going to see all of their shows…

I remember that night like it was just yesterday. I went to one of their shows and my Mom tagged along with me. My Dad had just divorced her not that long ago and so it just made sense. So after the show my friend invited us to come along to a party they were having for the band and other people. I always liked parties so I said sure…why not! So to the party we went… my Mom included. So I just was hanging out with some friends on the first floor of the house that the party was being held at with my Mom being MIA. They were playing White Zombie and people were talking and some were dancing. My friend “the guitarist” finally arrived with his girlfriend. I remember seeing him go up stairs…then he came abruptly back downstairs. He found me chit chatting with a friend and took me aside… he told me that my Mom was upstairs smoking pot. He thought I might want to know. He and his girlfriend then left the party because of the people with the pot. I always associate that memory of my Mom smoking pot with the Sublime song “What I got”. I believe the line is, “I don’t get angry when my Mom smokes pot”. I wasn’t angry but I was embarrassed. I am not a person to really condone usage of illegal substances by anyone. In my state it is still considered that way. Plus I knew my friend “the guitarist” didn’t approve of it either.

So it is up to you to decide how embarrassing a moment you may or may not think that was… or feel free to share one of your own with me in the coments. The title of my blogs for this month of October are all movie related. I chose the title Pineapple Express for this one because that movie is about pot (with lots of jokes with Rogen and Franco) but of course…

Till the next blog… I’ll catch you on the flip side!

Children of the Corn

It’s days like today that I realize that I didn’t really learn that much from my parents. I self taught a lot of skills that I feel others learned from their parents. For instance doing the laundry or cooking… I learned from watching others or from trial and error. Sometimes I have to ask how things are done and it makes me feel embarrassed when I have to ask for help. I have never shelled corn. Not once until today. So when I got assigned that task I was at a loss on how to do it to be honest. So rather than look like an idiot I just asked. It was rather simple and I did fine once I was shown how… I keep coming to things I have never done before a lot lately and I can do them now but wonder what it would have been like if I found out how to do them early on from my parents. Never had a mango until this year and for your information no I didn’t cut it open my friends sister did.

So today was a grand day. Spent around friends who are like family. Got ready for a cook out which was what the corn was for… and dang I forgot to eat any of it! The weather for Texas was very pleasant with a cool breeze blowing. We went down by the lake and I sat under the trees and chit chatted with people. I don’t remember my parents ever doing things like that… maybe when I was little but when I was older…not a chance.

Who knew all the things I would finally experience once I became an adult? Well not that being an adult had anything to do with it… just I can come and go as I please. I live by myself so I can choose where I want to go and who I want to be around. I like the freedom. I choose to be around friends and family! If only every day could be like today…is my ray of hope.

A Hard Days Night

Today was a rough one for me. It started out early with my waking up before 8 but somehow I managed to go back to sleep until after noon… I even did good on my diet by eating a salad for lunch. Then I sat down to watch a movie called Everybody’s Fine. It had an outstanding cast. Very well acted. But unknown to me until WAY to late was a freaking tear jerker! I ended up crying until my eyes hurt because they had no more moisture left. So no not everyone was fine as the movie title suggested. They have hurt me ever since then to tell you the truth. It was saddening to see how the kids in that family made me think of my mom’s side of the family. You see my mom was the youngest of four kiddos. She has drug problems just like the youngest did in the movie. That is where the similarities stop. Everyone though in the movie was worried about their youngest brother David… who they find out has passed. They eventually have to tell their father who takes it hard…though it has been only 8 months since he lost his wife so 2 deaths in such a short period would effect anyone greatly.

On to well the point of where I was going my mom has 3 older siblings. Daniel who is the eldest, Susan who came after, Carol who was the youngest of them for 5 years until well you guessed it my mom came along. I wasn’t born yet of course but while growing up you think one way of your parents but when you become an adult you see your parents with very different view…or at least I have found this to be the case in my life. When my grandmother was out of it I found out a few startling things about my mother I did not know. I already knew what I have seen that she has certain issues she tries to not tell me about (drug usage mostly) but I wasn’t born yesterday so I see what she is doing. She lies to me. She was always asking to borrow money until at the first of this year I told her no more… I was not giving her anymore money.  Evidently I had told her this twice and she was very upset. She hasn’t talked to me since. I have no way of contacting her and since she has moved I don’t even know where she is living currently.

My dad on the other hand… well I used to think because of how my mom always told me stuff about their relationship it was his fault it ended. Now that my dad has become more like my best friend well I don’t feel that way anymore. I like I said see my parents in a different light. Like I have always been told there is always 2 sides to every story! My dad remarried and things I would have said in the beginning were great…now I would say not so great. I feel bad for him and want him to be happy. I know he is proud of me and wants me to be happy too! I am just glad to have him as my dad and as a friend.

So after the movie I got ready for church. I find that here of late I just don’t like the hugging so I wait to come in until after meet and greet is over with…  I did come in enough time to see Kianna be baptized tonight. I was also able to chit chat with my friend Ami who I hadn’t seen in a while. Then we had Pastor’s going away party to celebrate all the good times we had with them at our church. I left once all of the speeches were done.

I came out to be around the Spencers. I remember Beverly and Dave Spencer from when I came to church when I was growing up. I came out here to spend the night and then hang out tomorrow.  Spending time with the ones that matter to you is one of the best things on earth in my opinion. They have two of their children here along with their families… it was like being in a movie. All sitting around watching a movie with popcorn,  laughter, and the occasional rewind of the movie to catch something that had been missed. Makes me wonder how different would I have been if I had been in a different home situation growing up…

Just been a depressing day all around with a ray of hope here and there. Keep looking and living for those rays of hope. They are what will keep you going. Take it from me…I know from experience.