My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)

Music.  Hardly a day passes when I do not listen to the sweet tunes and melodies.  It has the power to transport you into the past, future, or some dreamlike dimension.  It can make you feel powerful emotions: sadness, fear, pain, grief, anger, love, peace, joy, comfort, and so many more.  There is music I listen to that takes me back to when I was a kid.  Some remind me of my Dad and even now I feel describe how I feel about our relationship now.  Timeless songs that meant one thing to me when I heard them when I was young and still mean something different to me now, but are still relevant even today.

I catch myself listening to Neil Young, Cat Stevens, and Jethro Tull.  These musicians and their songs make me think fondly of my Dad.  Memories surface of past times and even more recent memories.  One that profoundly I think describes the relationship I have with him is Old Man by Neil Young.

Young Neil

Neil Young playing at Wembley Stadium in London 1974 with Crosby Stills Nash and Young

Old man, look at my life
24 and there’s so much more
Live alone in a paradise
That makes me think of two
Love lost, such a cost
Give me things that don’t get lost
Like a coin that won’t get tossed
Rolling home to you
Old man, take a look at my life
I’m a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that’s true
Lullabies, look in your eyes
Run around the same old town
Doesn’t mean that much to me
To mean that much to you
I’ve been first and last
Look at how the time goes past
But I’m all alone at last
Rolling home to you
Old man, take a look at my life
I’m a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that’s true

Words end up falling short.  Words set to music have the ability to say more than I could possibly express.  I feel in my bones that this song means so much more to me and how I feel about my Dad.  I feel now I am so much like him and just one look in my eyes that you can tell that’s true.

Then there is Cat Stevens.  His song Wild World was a favorite of mine when I was little and even now I feel so much more of what the song means to me.  Like I know the song is about a girl leaving him but to me it was me leaving my Dad.  We all must leave home eventually and I always felt like this song was his way of telling me he loves me and to be careful out in the world.

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Cat Stevens

But if you want to leave, take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breaking my heart in two
‘Cause I never want to see you sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
Beware
I always felt like it was a warning…and I now know it’s impossible to get by just by a smile.  I now have seen what the world can and will do.  You can try to escape the bad but there always ends up being times when you can’t escape.  Friends and family turn on you.  Love is gained and lost.  People who mean the world to you will pass away.  You do the best you can to continue down the road called life.
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Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost in The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton

Nothing can stay in this world.  Everything passes away.  My advice is to spend as much time with the family and friends who stick by you when the going gets tough.  Learn to enjoy to down time.  Create something whether it be music, poetry, painting, knitting, crochet, or anything that brings you joy or pain.  You only have one life to live so give it all you’ve got.
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Riverdale

New series on the CW.  If asked, I most identify with Jughead.  Why might you ask?  If you aren’t up to date on the series then read no further…

I guess you can already see some similarities between us.  I like to write, as does Jughead. He is interested in local news as pertaining to the murder mystery of who killed Jason Blosom. I love murder mysteries.  Otherwise similarities are not so easy to spot, unless you know me and my back story.

Episode S1E7 made me cry. I don’t cry easy, but just let me say this episode in particular touched me.  It was because I felt what Jughead was going through with his dad.  Having a parent who is “drowning,” to use the words of Fred Andrews, Archie’s dad, you can try to help them all you want but in the end they just pull you down with them.  If they don’t want to help themselves there is NOTHING you can do to help them.  I know that Jughead still has hope.  I don’t blame him for that, but I’ve been there for such a long time I have given up hope.  I do hope for him in this series that he doesn’t have to wait long and his dad will change… but that remains to be seen.  

Chapter One: The River's Edge

Riverdale — “Pilot” — Pictured: Cole Sprouse as Jughead

You see when you are a child you don’t really understand everything about your parents. When you reach high school you think you know everything, and you don’t always see both sides to each story or know your own parent’s back story.  I have found out lots of things and a lot of them I won’t bore you with. I was always made to believe I was such a bad kid.  Truth be told, I wasn’t nearly as wild or such a bad seed!  I have only begun to find out in the past 10 years more about both of my parents.  My dad is the one who has been the one I could rely on.  My mother, on the other hand not so much.  I have been out on my own since I was about 17.  That was when my parents split up and I tried living at home with just my mom.  That just didn’t work out for me.  My mother is very controlling individual. Lots of guilt trips were put on me if I didn’t stop what I was doing straight away and bring her whatever she wanted.  No matter what I was doing. She went to a party with me after seeing a friend’s band play and I was informed that she was upstairs smoking pot. You might see my complaints as well she didn’t have it that bad. I’m not saying my life is the worst story you have ever heard…let me just state that right now.

Once I was out on my own, couch surfing and living somewhat out of my own car… she would still ask me for favors. My mother has had a few boyfriends. All of them being losers, and each one being a bigger one than the last. The first one she would call me up and have me go spy on him by driving by his house after I left work. JOY. I remember taking her over to his house to get some of her stuff back when the cops were called out to the location because they had an altercation. I remember he was with some other lady at the time who was trying to pit us against one another. I called her out on this and refused to play into her mind game. First time I cussed in front of an officer. Good times.

Then there was the second loser of a boyfriend. He had bipolar disorder and would routinely not have enough funds for his medicines so he would go without. I would on the random occasion be contacted because he was being mean to her and I was supposed to do something about it. One occasion, I was out at dinner celebrating a friend’s birthday and was called to come fix her food because he would not do so.  I also got called once because he was throwing stuff at her and I was to make sure he left the house. After she kept letting him come back I put a stop to her calling me to help her break up with him.

Now my mom is with her third boyfriend…second of which she has been living off of his disability with him. A tree came down and basically ruined her house and she for some reason thought she would try to see if they could stay with me. I knew that if I did that I would never be able to get her out of my small one bedroom apartment. So I told her no. Then I got a guilt trip on which I hung up on her. I stopped talking with my mom for about two years until her mom, my grandmother, was about to pass. We don’t talk much now and I actually like it better.

I have actually learned to let go do what is best for me… which normally means I don’t speak to my own mother. I learned what it means to love yourself first. [Thanks Jared Padalecki] To me it means to remember your feelings and what you can handle and what you can’t…and its okay to just walk away of you can’t deal.

Further on in the season, Jughead has even more emotional moments with his Dad who just isn’t there for him. I see the parallels when JP talks about how his firing is Mr. Andrew’s fault and takes none of the blame. A sentiment I know all too well. My mom is the same way that it is everyone else’s fault how her life has turned out. Somehow even partly my fault for not doing more to help her… but I refuse to believe that or feel like it is my fault. I am not responsible for supporting not only myself but my mom. I was raised to be independent and to be able to fend for myself. I don’t expect anyone else to support or help me. I’m an adult and that is my job to support myself. Maybe one day my mom can see that fact as well, but I’m not holding my breath.

Flowers in your hair

 

Where do I begin to tell you all that has happened to me?  I plan to update you with another post that will include all the comic cons I have been to this year to date. Including A Celebration of Harry Potter, Fan Expo Dallas, and Comicpalooza… (with pics ’cause pics or it didn’t happen).  I finally graduated last month with a college degree.  See below for pics…

I’m not using my degree currently at the job I am at but it gives me more options…  Plus it feels good to finally have school behind me.  There were times I felt like I might not finish but with the encouragement of my friends I was successful.

I started a new job on my birthday this year.  I work selling forms that work with the software the main company sells.  I like it.  The benefits are awesome (insurance, 401K, tons of paid time off) and I really like all of my co-workers.

I have things I am really looking forward to this year such as going to the Walker Stalker con in Tulsa and competing in GISHWHES again this year!  I also have tons of projects in the works between loom knitting, quilting, and learning how to weave.  Lots of very good books to read.  Making travel plans as I hope to be able to make it back to sunny Florida this year (make it an annual trip).

Till my next few posts full of pics, adieu!

Live. Laugh. Love.

So much has happened in the last month.  I have been a bad person not keeping up with my blog posts on here.  Let me explain what all has come to pass in the past few weeks. 

Life is unrelenting and finite and we spend too much time feeling guilty or afraid to truly live it.

I was just going in February and March between going to Dallas Stars games, staying with a friend in Garland [saying that always makes me think of Zombieland], going with some friends to Shreveport, and taking a friend or two to the airport in DFW area… then I started visiting my grandmother almost everyday. She wasn’t doing well and her health declined very quickly.  She passed away on April 9th early in the morning…  I lost my best friend.  My grandmother ment so much to me.  We spent so much time together just talking, playing games, knitting, I would play my guitar for her, and all other kinds of stuff.  We always had fun no matter what.  I’m still emotional at times. The first few days were SO hard.  I felt like I was just going through the motions and trying to function normally.  I was so depressed I came up with the idea to get a puppy. 

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Name is Rocco / He's a Manchester Terrier

I felt I needed to get something that relied on me… I needed purpose.  I suffer from depression normally but this sadness I felt was like a black hole.  I searched until I found my little buddy!  I went and got him last weekend from a shelter somewhat of a drive from where I live.  He is so cute, full of life, and for the most part brings me lots of joy! 

Until he decided to chew up the bottom plastic in his crate.  I took that out because he destroyed it.  Then he took to tearing holes out of the carpet.  I was in shock, upset, and anxious he will tear up more things.  I have a solution for the time being but am still working stuff out.  A friend sent me this appropriate meme… [see below]

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SO now I am busy training a puppy, working at a law firm [totally love my job], getting my new SUV all hairy [thanks to Rocco], and just living life.  I will always miss my grandmother. But I can remember the good times we had and enjoy life. That’s what she would have wanted…

Life without…

I keep being reminded of people from my past. Hurtful and very painful things to remember. Wishing I could shut my mind off. There seems often times like there is no hope left. It has been years, yet somehow I still love you. That saying, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” is total bullshit. At times I think it would be better to just be lonely…than to know what it feels like to be wanted and then discarded like trash. Bitter much you might ask? The longer I am by myself and single the worse it gets, unless I can turn off the thinking about it and be carefree. Till I see a reminder of who I once was… hearing a nickname on a show that brings me back to when I was called that. Never thought in a million years that would happen and tonight it did. Wonders never cease, but it made me miss someone I never thought I would. I used to be your “Care” as in care bear, which sounds so stupid to me now, but was so endearing at the time.

So no I don’t want to care about it, you, or my past memories. I wonder how many people can break my heart? How many times can it mend and I keep on going…? I consider myself lucky as I have dated quite a few souls but only really “loved” three in my life thus far.

My first love was like a breath of fresh air. Scary and unbalanced but it was real. We could talk about anything and I could be completely myself around him. I still talked to him up until last year. Now I can’t reach my oldest friend. I think the keeping him around even all these years later has been a blessing and a curse. Then there was another love who we kept missing each other. What I mean is due to circumstances between a long distance relationship to miscommunication it wasn’t meant to be…he was also a dear friend who I could call up at any time. One of the things I miss about him is our hours of conversation and when I was upset he would sing to me. When we had the chance to be around each other you could tell that the appropriate sparks were flying. Then where was the final one I loved. Called me “Care” for care bear and sometimes called me his grumpy care bear… There once was a good side to him that loved me but once his Dad passed he became someone else…and though it dragged on for such a while it ended in disaster.

So now that I have enlightened you with my tale of woe, I must try to find some peace.

Adieu

Despair

Don’t go down into the pit of dispair
Where blackness hides the stars or any light
Blindness overtakes the windows of your soul
Never to feel the warmth of happiness again
Woe to that poor wandering vagabond
Who has not heard the warnings of the siren
Might he have been saved from this perilous trip
But that he climb out of the pitch black pit
Reclaim his spot under the celestial globe
That rules the daylight hours
And the twinkling and dazzling night sky
That have seen many a vagabond never to return…

My “Jonah” experience

In the book of Jonah…chapter 1 verse 1-2 it states that, “Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city , and cry out against it; for their wickedness has come before Me.” God spoke to his prophets and gave them directions on what missions He would have them do but Jonah runs off in the other direction. Like he can out run the presence of the Lord [verse 3]! He boards a boat to go to another town in the opposite direction from Nineveh. The Lord has a big storm come up. Everyone aboard is scared. The cast lots and find out that Jonah is to blame. He then tells them to throw him overboard. One he is in the water the seas calm down and the boat is safe. Jonah on the other hand gets swallowed by a big fish. Spending 3 days and nights in the belly of the fish.

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Now comes my part of the story. God still speaks to individuals in different ways to have his will carried out you see… Mine came in the form of emails. I was sent some information on a man who wanted to come and give a free cooking class. He travels all over the United States doing these… I tried to ignore the first email. Then a second one came. I answered back but told the person I was too busy to deal with this at the present time. After a time a third email came. The gentleman had called again about setting up the cooking class. I dislike very much being asked over and over about the same thing. I agreed rather reluctantly to schedule a time for him to come. Last week the time came that was scheduled. It wasn’t hard on me as he pretty much prepared everything himself. I just helped out that night. It was a big success. We had so many people show up. It was amazing. It showed me just how how God’s kept working on me…even though I resisted. His will was carried out and many people heard how to eat better from the cooking class.