Riverdale

New series on the CW.  If asked, I most identify with Jughead.  Why might you ask?  If you aren’t up to date on the series then read no further…

I guess you can already see some similarities between us.  I like to write, as does Jughead. He is interested in local news as pertaining to the murder mystery of who killed Jason Blosom. I love murder mysteries.  Otherwise similarities are not so easy to spot, unless you know me and my back story.

Episode S1E7 made me cry. I don’t cry easy, but just let me say this episode in particular touched me.  It was because I felt what Jughead was going through with his dad.  Having a parent who is “drowning,” to use the words of Fred Andrews, Archie’s dad, you can try to help them all you want but in the end they just pull you down with them.  If they don’t want to help themselves there is NOTHING you can do to help them.  I know that Jughead still has hope.  I don’t blame him for that, but I’ve been there for such a long time I have given up hope.  I do hope for him in this series that he doesn’t have to wait long and his dad will change… but that remains to be seen.  

Chapter One: The River's Edge

Riverdale — “Pilot” — Pictured: Cole Sprouse as Jughead

You see when you are a child you don’t really understand everything about your parents. When you reach high school you think you know everything, and you don’t always see both sides to each story or know your own parent’s back story.  I have found out lots of things and a lot of them I won’t bore you with. I was always made to believe I was such a bad kid.  Truth be told, I wasn’t nearly as wild or such a bad seed!  I have only begun to find out in the past 10 years more about both of my parents.  My dad is the one who has been the one I could rely on.  My mother, on the other hand not so much.  I have been out on my own since I was about 17.  That was when my parents split up and I tried living at home with just my mom.  That just didn’t work out for me.  My mother is very controlling individual. Lots of guilt trips were put on me if I didn’t stop what I was doing straight away and bring her whatever she wanted.  No matter what I was doing. She went to a party with me after seeing a friend’s band play and I was informed that she was upstairs smoking pot. You might see my complaints as well she didn’t have it that bad. I’m not saying my life is the worst story you have ever heard…let me just state that right now.

Once I was out on my own, couch surfing and living somewhat out of my own car… she would still ask me for favors. My mother has had a few boyfriends. All of them being losers, and each one being a bigger one than the last. The first one she would call me up and have me go spy on him by driving by his house after I left work. JOY. I remember taking her over to his house to get some of her stuff back when the cops were called out to the location because they had an altercation. I remember he was with some other lady at the time who was trying to pit us against one another. I called her out on this and refused to play into her mind game. First time I cussed in front of an officer. Good times.

Then there was the second loser of a boyfriend. He had bipolar disorder and would routinely not have enough funds for his medicines so he would go without. I would on the random occasion be contacted because he was being mean to her and I was supposed to do something about it. One occasion, I was out at dinner celebrating a friend’s birthday and was called to come fix her food because he would not do so.  I also got called once because he was throwing stuff at her and I was to make sure he left the house. After she kept letting him come back I put a stop to her calling me to help her break up with him.

Now my mom is with her third boyfriend…second of which she has been living off of his disability with him. A tree came down and basically ruined her house and she for some reason thought she would try to see if they could stay with me. I knew that if I did that I would never be able to get her out of my small one bedroom apartment. So I told her no. Then I got a guilt trip on which I hung up on her. I stopped talking with my mom for about two years until her mom, my grandmother, was about to pass. We don’t talk much now and I actually like it better.

I have actually learned to let go do what is best for me… which normally means I don’t speak to my own mother. I learned what it means to love yourself first. [Thanks Jared Padalecki] To me it means to remember your feelings and what you can handle and what you can’t…and its okay to just walk away of you can’t deal.

Further on in the season, Jughead has even more emotional moments with his Dad who just isn’t there for him. I see the parallels when JP talks about how his firing is Mr. Andrew’s fault and takes none of the blame. A sentiment I know all too well. My mom is the same way that it is everyone else’s fault how her life has turned out. Somehow even partly my fault for not doing more to help her… but I refuse to believe that or feel like it is my fault. I am not responsible for supporting not only myself but my mom. I was raised to be independent and to be able to fend for myself. I don’t expect anyone else to support or help me. I’m an adult and that is my job to support myself. Maybe one day my mom can see that fact as well, but I’m not holding my breath.

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Supernatural

     I have just gotten hooked on this show Supernatural. It revolves around these two brothers (Dean and Sam aka Sammie) who hunt things [ghosts, demons, spirits, vampires, warewolves, etc.]. They go around trying to save people from what is out there… the episode I just watched they went after a djinn which is basically a genie. Not like any story of one you and I have ever heard of let me tell you.  (*spoilers coming if you haven’t seen this episode yet in season 2 close to the end of that season)
     You see this djinn makes you see your life how you wish it was and you are in a dream like state while it drains your blood and feeds off of you. Until you die of course from blood loss eventually. Now Dean and Sam were hunting this creature and Dean went to go check out where the djinn might be hiding…even though Sam wanted for them both to go check it out. Dean gets captured by the djinn who shows him how he wishes his life had been… his mom being alive, Dean settled down with a girl, Sam in law school still and now engaged to Jessica, and only thing that is the same is their dad is dead. Everyone keeps noticing how different Dean is acting like… when he found his mom alive and was so happy to see her it really got to me.
     What I would wish if I could. I would want my mom around, and how she used to be…before my dad divorced her. She just has gone downhill so much to the point where I find it better not to talk to her… she has dated one loser after another plus I am very positive she is taking drugs… she acts like she isn’t but when we did talk she was always asking for money and stuff. She doesn’t work and her whole situation is everyone else’s fault but her own… it has been almost two years that I haven’t spoken with my mom. She’s not dead like Dean and Sam’s mom. She even lives close to me in the same town even yet the person she is now is no one I want to have in my life. Sad but the truth.
     In the end Dean makes it out of the trance the djinn put him in…Sam ends up saving him. That episode like all things came to an end… happier than some as both brothers have each other and they verbalize how much they appreciate having family to count on… So whatever your family situation, be it not so dire as Dean and Sammie’s, make a point while you have those you can count on to let them know just how much they mean to you…  seize the day!

Till next time, carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more…

YOU are more…

YOU are more… than how you are feeling you are right now at this moment. You are more than who your spouse or significant other thinks or tells you that you are… you are more than your parents think you are… you are more than your friends think you are… you are the only person on this earth that has these feelings, talents, thoughts, hobbies, and the mixture of all these things that make you the special one of a kind person that is uniquely YOU!

Why did I feel the need to write this post to the readers of my blog? A friend posted a status on Facebook about how she felt hurt because someone who is supposed to love her said hateful things to her and called her fat. I felt a connection to her. Why might you ask? In my past I let myself be talked to just like that and worse… I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over two years. He would say the most horrible things to me and what was worse is I felt what he was saying to me had to be the truth. What amazes me still is that I just took the abuse. Once I finally left him and gradually gained my self respect back I can honestly say I will never let another person talk that way to me again! I will not listen to the lies they say. I also have a hard time staying silent when others say hurtful things to my friends…

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You must always remember that you are a child of God! Cling to his word and believe only what he tells you about yourself. I wanted to share some scripture with you from Psalms 119:105-136 from the Message:

By your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I’ve committed myself and I’ll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything’s falling apart on me, God ; put me together again with your Word. Festoon me with your finest sayings, God ; teach me your holy rules. My life is as close as my own hands, but I don’t forget what you have revealed. The wicked do their best to throw me off track, but I don’t swerve an inch from your course. I inherited your book on living; it’s mine forever— what a gift! And how happy it makes me! I concentrate on doing exactly what you say— I always have and always will. I hate the two-faced, but I love your clear-cut revelation. You’re my place of quiet retreat; I wait for your Word to renew me. Get out of my life, evildoers, so I can keep my God’s commands. Take my side as you promised; I’ll live then for sure. Don’t disappoint all my grand hopes. Stick with me and I’ll be all right; I’ll give total allegiance to your definitions of life. Expose all who drift away from your sayings; their casual idolatry is lethal. You reject earth’s wicked as so much rubbish; therefore I lovingly embrace everything you say. I shiver in awe before you; your decisions leave me speechless with reverence. I stood up for justice and the right; don’t leave me to the mercy of my oppressors. Take the side of your servant, good God; don’t let the godless take advantage of me. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, waiting for you to keep your promise to set everything right. Let your love dictate how you deal with me; teach me from your textbook on life. I’m your servant—help me understand what that means, the inner meaning of your instructions. It’s time to act, God ; they’ve made a shambles of your revelation! Yea-Saying God, I love what you command, I love it better than gold and gemstones; Yea-Saying God, I honor everything you tell me, I despise every deceitful detour. Every word you give me is a miracle word— how could I help but obey? Break open your words, let the light shine out, let ordinary people see the meaning. Mouth open and panting, I wanted your commands more than anything. Turn my way, look kindly on me, as you always do to those who personally love you. Steady my steps with your Word of promise so nothing malign gets the better of me. Rescue me from the grip of bad men and women so I can live life your way. Smile on me, your servant; teach me the right way to live. I cry rivers of tears because nobody’s living by your book!

I liked the part of asking God to teach me from your textbook on life [the Bible]. The Bible is full of words of promise from the Creator. Like these words from Isaiah 41:10! “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Don’t ever doubt your worth because God loves you and will NEVER leave your side! So have no fear and be YOU. The ones who love you for exactly who you are will stick around. They are the ones you want in your life anyhow. The ones who leave were always going to keave. Let them go… you deserve better!

With love,
From your sister in Christ

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Stuck in Love

In High School I had this one English teacher who had us write in a journal everyday for homework. We had to write three pages a day and show it to her. It could be about anything we wanted just had to be the required length of pages. Seeing the way their Dad had them writing in a journal and paying them for it so they could focus on writing rather than a minimum wage job… reminded me of my teacher. I also liked how the Dad said that a writer is the sum of their experiences… and I have found that to be true. Sometimes we can imagine events that might happen or we can draw from the things we have been through and write about it. Add characters to liven up the telling and change names to protect the innocent or the guilty…

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I really felt like the daughter and I had a lot in common. A good relationship with our Dad’s. Love to read. Cynical about love. I feel like there are two different types of people in the world: realists and hopeless romantics… I used to be what I would call a romantic…looking for love and getting my heart broken over and over again. Now I feel like I am more of realist. I kinda even like her motto…

Avoid love at all costs…that’s my motto.

I have been single for quite awhile now. I have gotten so used to it that I really like it. I can’t really see myself being with someone. I like coming and going when I please…and planning trips with my friends. I see movies, concerts, hockey games, travel to new places, and lots more… I can’t say I don’t miss some things but for the most part I do not miss the drama and the fighting that comes along with a relationship. (Well they have always been very much a part of any relationship I had in the past.) Life is too short to live it unhappy. I have always been scared of lots of things but more scared of not trying at all. So I take chances. Sometimes it pays off. Other times it doesn’t.

So here is where I currently am in my life. My Mom and I don’t talk. She likes being around whatever guy she is dating and doing drugs more than talking to her own daughter. Even before we didn’t really have the greatest relationship. My Dad and I have done nothing but grow closer the past 10 years… he is like my best friend. The end of last year was very difficult for me as I thought I had lost my grandmother. She is like my other best friend. She was very sick for a long time and just wasn’t herself. So I could still talk to her but she didn’t always understand or even realize who I was. Sometimes she thought I was my mom…or other people. Now she is better and I am happy to have her where I can talk to her again…but I don’t feel like I can tell her what is bothering me anymore because of a lot of things mostly I am scared of loosing her. Her husband and my grandfather died this past January. When I am not blogging and spilling out all my feelings in posts… I work a full time job and take two classes a semester at the local college. I lead a busy existence. When it gets to much I try to slow down and remember to enjoy the small moments I spend with friends and family.

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So live for the now…spend as much time as you can with the ones you love…and always be true to yourself.

Until the next time…catch you on the flip side.

Children of the Corn

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It’s days like today that I realize that I didn’t really learn that much from my parents. I self taught a lot of skills that I feel others learned from their parents. For instance doing the laundry or cooking… I learned from watching others or from trial and error. Sometimes I have to ask how things are done and it makes me feel embarrassed when I have to ask for help. I have never shelled corn. Not once until today. So when I got assigned that task I was at a loss on how to do it to be honest. So rather than look like an idiot I just asked. It was rather simple and I did fine once I was shown how… I keep coming to things I have never done before a lot lately and I can do them now but wonder what it would have been like if I found out how to do them early on from my parents. Never had a mango until this year and for your information no I didn’t cut it open my friends sister did.

So today was a grand day. Spent around friends who are like family. Got ready for a cook out which was what the corn was for… and dang I forgot to eat any of it! The weather for Texas was very pleasant with a cool breeze blowing. We went down by the lake and I sat under the trees and chit chatted with people. I don’t remember my parents ever doing things like that… maybe when I was little but when I was older…not a chance.

Who knew all the things I would finally experience once I became an adult? Well not that being an adult had anything to do with it… just I can come and go as I please. I live by myself so I can choose where I want to go and who I want to be around. I like the freedom. I choose to be around friends and family! If only every day could be like today…is my ray of hope.

A Hard Days Night

Today was a rough one for me. It started out early with my waking up before 8 but somehow I managed to go back to sleep until after noon… I even did good on my diet by eating a salad for lunch. Then I sat down to watch a movie called Everybody’s Fine. It had an outstanding cast. Very well acted. But unknown to me until WAY to late was a freaking tear jerker! I ended up crying until my eyes hurt because they had no more moisture left. So no not everyone was fine as the movie title suggested. They have hurt me ever since then to tell you the truth. It was saddening to see how the kids in that family made me think of my mom’s side of the family. You see my mom was the youngest of four kiddos. She has drug problems just like the youngest did in the movie. That is where the similarities stop. Everyone though in the movie was worried about their youngest brother David… who they find out has passed. They eventually have to tell their father who takes it hard…though it has been only 8 months since he lost his wife so 2 deaths in such a short period would effect anyone greatly.

On to well the point of where I was going my mom has 3 older siblings. Daniel who is the eldest, Susan who came after, Carol who was the youngest of them for 5 years until well you guessed it my mom came along. I wasn’t born yet of course but while growing up you think one way of your parents but when you become an adult you see your parents with very different view…or at least I have found this to be the case in my life. When my grandmother was out of it I found out a few startling things about my mother I did not know. I already knew what I have seen that she has certain issues she tries to not tell me about (drug usage mostly) but I wasn’t born yesterday so I see what she is doing. She lies to me. She was always asking to borrow money until at the first of this year I told her no more… I was not giving her anymore money.  Evidently I had told her this twice and she was very upset. She hasn’t talked to me since. I have no way of contacting her and since she has moved I don’t even know where she is living currently.

My dad on the other hand… well I used to think because of how my mom always told me stuff about their relationship it was his fault it ended. Now that my dad has become more like my best friend well I don’t feel that way anymore. I like I said see my parents in a different light. Like I have always been told there is always 2 sides to every story! My dad remarried and things I would have said in the beginning were great…now I would say not so great. I feel bad for him and want him to be happy. I know he is proud of me and wants me to be happy too! I am just glad to have him as my dad and as a friend.

So after the movie I got ready for church. I find that here of late I just don’t like the hugging so I wait to come in until after meet and greet is over with…  I did come in enough time to see Kianna be baptized tonight. I was also able to chit chat with my friend Ami who I hadn’t seen in a while. Then we had Pastor’s going away party to celebrate all the good times we had with them at our church. I left once all of the speeches were done.

I came out to be around the Spencers. I remember Beverly and Dave Spencer from when I came to church when I was growing up. I came out here to spend the night and then hang out tomorrow.  Spending time with the ones that matter to you is one of the best things on earth in my opinion. They have two of their children here along with their families… it was like being in a movie. All sitting around watching a movie with popcorn,  laughter, and the occasional rewind of the movie to catch something that had been missed. Makes me wonder how different would I have been if I had been in a different home situation growing up…

Just been a depressing day all around with a ray of hope here and there. Keep looking and living for those rays of hope. They are what will keep you going. Take it from me…I know from experience.