Life without…

I keep being reminded of people from my past. Hurtful and very painful things to remember. Wishing I could shut my mind off. There seems often times like there is no hope left. It has been years, yet somehow I still love you. That saying, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” is total bullshit. At times I think it would be better to just be lonely…than to know what it feels like to be wanted and then discarded like trash. Bitter much you might ask? The longer I am by myself and single the worse it gets, unless I can turn off the thinking about it and be carefree. Till I see a reminder of who I once was… hearing a nickname on a show that brings me back to when I was called that. Never thought in a million years that would happen and tonight it did. Wonders never cease, but it made me miss someone I never thought I would. I used to be your “Care” as in care bear, which sounds so stupid to me now, but was so endearing at the time.

So no I don’t want to care about it, you, or my past memories. I wonder how many people can break my heart? How many times can it mend and I keep on going…? I consider myself lucky as I have dated quite a few souls but only really “loved” three in my life thus far.

My first love was like a breath of fresh air. Scary and unbalanced but it was real. We could talk about anything and I could be completely myself around him. I still talked to him up until last year. Now I can’t reach my oldest friend. I think the keeping him around even all these years later has been a blessing and a curse. Then there was another love who we kept missing each other. What I mean is due to circumstances between a long distance relationship to miscommunication it wasn’t meant to be…he was also a dear friend who I could call up at any time. One of the things I miss about him is our hours of conversation and when I was upset he would sing to me. When we had the chance to be around each other you could tell that the appropriate sparks were flying. Then where was the final one I loved. Called me “Care” for care bear and sometimes called me his grumpy care bear… There once was a good side to him that loved me but once his Dad passed he became someone else…and though it dragged on for such a while it ended in disaster.

So now that I have enlightened you with my tale of woe, I must try to find some peace.

Adieu

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My “Jonah” experience

In the book of Jonah…chapter 1 verse 1-2 it states that, “Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city , and cry out against it; for their wickedness has come before Me.” God spoke to his prophets and gave them directions on what missions He would have them do but Jonah runs off in the other direction. Like he can out run the presence of the Lord [verse 3]! He boards a boat to go to another town in the opposite direction from Nineveh. The Lord has a big storm come up. Everyone aboard is scared. The cast lots and find out that Jonah is to blame. He then tells them to throw him overboard. One he is in the water the seas calm down and the boat is safe. Jonah on the other hand gets swallowed by a big fish. Spending 3 days and nights in the belly of the fish.

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Now comes my part of the story. God still speaks to individuals in different ways to have his will carried out you see… Mine came in the form of emails. I was sent some information on a man who wanted to come and give a free cooking class. He travels all over the United States doing these… I tried to ignore the first email. Then a second one came. I answered back but told the person I was too busy to deal with this at the present time. After a time a third email came. The gentleman had called again about setting up the cooking class. I dislike very much being asked over and over about the same thing. I agreed rather reluctantly to schedule a time for him to come. Last week the time came that was scheduled. It wasn’t hard on me as he pretty much prepared everything himself. I just helped out that night. It was a big success. We had so many people show up. It was amazing. It showed me just how how God’s kept working on me…even though I resisted. His will was carried out and many people heard how to eat better from the cooking class.

YOU are more…

YOU are more… than how you are feeling you are right now at this moment. You are more than who your spouse or significant other thinks or tells you that you are… you are more than your parents think you are… you are more than your friends think you are… you are the only person on this earth that has these feelings, talents, thoughts, hobbies, and the mixture of all these things that make you the special one of a kind person that is uniquely YOU!

Why did I feel the need to write this post to the readers of my blog? A friend posted a status on Facebook about how she felt hurt because someone who is supposed to love her said hateful things to her and called her fat. I felt a connection to her. Why might you ask? In my past I let myself be talked to just like that and worse… I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over two years. He would say the most horrible things to me and what was worse is I felt what he was saying to me had to be the truth. What amazes me still is that I just took the abuse. Once I finally left him and gradually gained my self respect back I can honestly say I will never let another person talk that way to me again! I will not listen to the lies they say. I also have a hard time staying silent when others say hurtful things to my friends…

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You must always remember that you are a child of God! Cling to his word and believe only what he tells you about yourself. I wanted to share some scripture with you from Psalms 119:105-136 from the Message:

By your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I’ve committed myself and I’ll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything’s falling apart on me, God ; put me together again with your Word. Festoon me with your finest sayings, God ; teach me your holy rules. My life is as close as my own hands, but I don’t forget what you have revealed. The wicked do their best to throw me off track, but I don’t swerve an inch from your course. I inherited your book on living; it’s mine forever— what a gift! And how happy it makes me! I concentrate on doing exactly what you say— I always have and always will. I hate the two-faced, but I love your clear-cut revelation. You’re my place of quiet retreat; I wait for your Word to renew me. Get out of my life, evildoers, so I can keep my God’s commands. Take my side as you promised; I’ll live then for sure. Don’t disappoint all my grand hopes. Stick with me and I’ll be all right; I’ll give total allegiance to your definitions of life. Expose all who drift away from your sayings; their casual idolatry is lethal. You reject earth’s wicked as so much rubbish; therefore I lovingly embrace everything you say. I shiver in awe before you; your decisions leave me speechless with reverence. I stood up for justice and the right; don’t leave me to the mercy of my oppressors. Take the side of your servant, good God; don’t let the godless take advantage of me. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, waiting for you to keep your promise to set everything right. Let your love dictate how you deal with me; teach me from your textbook on life. I’m your servant—help me understand what that means, the inner meaning of your instructions. It’s time to act, God ; they’ve made a shambles of your revelation! Yea-Saying God, I love what you command, I love it better than gold and gemstones; Yea-Saying God, I honor everything you tell me, I despise every deceitful detour. Every word you give me is a miracle word— how could I help but obey? Break open your words, let the light shine out, let ordinary people see the meaning. Mouth open and panting, I wanted your commands more than anything. Turn my way, look kindly on me, as you always do to those who personally love you. Steady my steps with your Word of promise so nothing malign gets the better of me. Rescue me from the grip of bad men and women so I can live life your way. Smile on me, your servant; teach me the right way to live. I cry rivers of tears because nobody’s living by your book!

I liked the part of asking God to teach me from your textbook on life [the Bible]. The Bible is full of words of promise from the Creator. Like these words from Isaiah 41:10! “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Don’t ever doubt your worth because God loves you and will NEVER leave your side! So have no fear and be YOU. The ones who love you for exactly who you are will stick around. They are the ones you want in your life anyhow. The ones who leave were always going to keave. Let them go… you deserve better!

With love,
From your sister in Christ

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i FINALLY forgive you

Tonight I went to this women’s event where the speaker gave a talk on forgiveness. She forgave the two men who kidnapped her and her boyfriend. They did unspeakable & horrible things to her yet she forgave them. That is to say hearing her story inspired me that I still haven’t really truly forgiven certain individuals.

A quote she used that I really liked was from C. S. Lewis…”everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.”

So I came home and started thinking…well even before that while I was still at the event. I haven’t forgiven my ex Jason. I have tried to forget him, I have tried dating other people, and other stuff but I haven’t tried this so just bear with me. I will attempt to explain as I continue what I am trying to accomplish. I am going to write a letter and put it on my blog not because he has asked for it, nor because he might see it, because maybe getting this all out will help me to completely forgive and move on…

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Dear Jason,
     When I first met you it was like how every relationship starts… how it ended well we went our separate ways. In the beginning we would fight and it felt we were both in it trying to make things work. It just shouldn’t ever be that hard to make something work. Our fights were far too often and just should have told us how wrong for each other, if we had been reading the signs. Lack of communication left me feeling lonely and unloved most of the time. You barely told me you loved me like twice in two and a half years. I wanted to spend time with you and remember being told that I did get to spend time with you when we slept in the same bed together! How is sleeping ever considered spending time with someone? You were always spending more time with your guy friends than with me. I cooked quite a bit and only cleaned when you nagged me too… I then gained weight because I have never really worked out, plus we ate really late dinners all the time, and I was somewhat depressed. Lastly to top it all off you then started making fun of me for weighing 5 pounds more than you AND you never wanted to have sex with me (maybe once a month) plus wouldn’t tell me why. I finally asked you why and you responded back with, “I had grown quite chubby, you wanted me to go back down to the weight I was when we first met, and you didn’t want me to end up like my mom.” Oh and I forgot to mention how you would joke at my expense saying hurtful things to me and then would always say you were “just joking”! When you hear things enough spoken even if you say that phrase I started to assume you weren’t just joking…there was some truth to it. I haven’t seen you since we broke up…not once. I was hurt and broken by the treatment I let myself go through at the time from you. I know you haven’t asked for this but I forgive you. Not for your sake but for mine. I figured out why I stayed so long in a relationship as bad as ours was and it reminded me of how my parents relationship was. It felt normal after seeing years of my parents always fighting and struggling. Because of that experience I was able to express things to my father and now we are very close. So for that I am thankful…as well as I don’t take crap from guys anymore like I did from you. Lesson learned. So please forgive me for cheating on you once but I had to make sure I didn’t come back to you. I already had come back once and we tried it again…but it was meant to end.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

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I sin every day. I am not perfect but I try to be a good person. I have values and morals I hold myself to follow. The Bible tells how we should forgive as Jesus forgave us…

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Colossians 3:12-14 MSG

Live. Love. Forgive.
Sometimes hard but that’s life!

Eureka

Okay so this is totally a light hearted blog…full of humorous lines from movies and series that I love!

I love comedies… and laughing. Along with computer games, reading, hockey, and lots of other things. I am currently watching my way through Warehouse  13 episodes and I totally love the “nerdy” vibes from Claudia and Fargo. So some of my most fav funny lines from movies…

1. Zombieland

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Columbus: [after his neighbor changes into a zombie] You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

2. Warehouse 13

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After Claudia kisses Fargo and he says, “and this is why Jedi turn to the dark side” after she says she was thinking of Todd and not him while kissing him.

3. YES man

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Like the entire movie is just one funny line after another. It really knows no bounds and still cracks me up time and time again. Just say yes to everything.

These are just some of the funny lines and things I have come across recently… but there is nothing better then laughing. Well maybe some “nerd” love! 😉

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Until the next blog… adieu.

Until it’s gone

I couldn’t have said it any better than exactly how F Scott Fitzgerald stated it… that you can’t find the same love twice. But, I have to hope that if I found someone who loves me for exactly who I am and still to this day he still does that I can find someone else who will… the reason I need to find this other person who will it is because for certain reasons I can never be with the first that I have mentioned. So I travel on this journey which has become my life and enjoy the path not knowing the destination I will end up at…

‘Cause finding what you got sometimes
Means finding it alone
And I can finally see your light
When I let go

‘Cause you don’t know what you’ve got
Until it’s gone

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I have always just had one wish. I just want to be happy. That might just sound simple to you but it is not always so simple of a wish to have truth be told. You can’t be happy all the time. You make mistakes. Your heart gets broken. You learn. Times doesn’t heal all wounds but it does help some what to plaster over the cracks. Letting you fill in the gaps and move on. My journey remains the same as it always has been. When asked what I am looking for I always will answer to be happy and to find someone who loves me for me…

I want to know that someone misses me when I am gone. I am a very special person with a lot of love to share. I deserve someone who appreciates me. Who treats me like I am one in a million. I would like someone who shares my love of traveling and hockey…but not a deal breaker. All I end up meeting as of late are rude individuals who almost instantly start trying to coerce me into having sex with them. Or individuals who have so many things on their record (arrests for drugs, violence,  assault, theft,  etc.) that I definitely want to run in the opposite direction post-haste!

So I have to say working on myself is in order this year. From growing my hair back out, to loosing weight, to dating again (looking for non-criminals only, and being happy in the moment like the pic below states. I want to travel more. See more new places. Meet new people. Go see more hockey games and see my Halloween hockey game. Dance in the rain. See a concert. Smile more. Sing a song at the top of my lungs while driving brings me peace… what makes you happy?

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Times Like These

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I honestly have always loved this song… when I have something on my mind I end up listening to it and getting lost in thought. It played today on my playlist and it was perfect timing to think of recent events. I think this song talks about new times in our life that come about… do we let the new things teach us and mold us into the people we are becoming? Or do we runaway scared of ourselves and leave behind the chance of something great happening or it could turn out not so hot… decisions to make every day. I have these moments where I feel like the things I am going through right then are awakening me to where I almost feel like I haven’t really been living but just going through the motions. It’s times like these that I feel like it says I am learning to live, give, and love again…. time and time again over the years.

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I have heard this song at different points in my life. “It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.” This one phrase seems to sum up almost every relationship I have ever been in… I have no happy ending to tell. I end up just trying to enjoy the time spent with whoever I end up with. For if my life has has shown me anything that change can be counted on and nothing stays the same time and time again. I have come to just expect it…

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I have come to the point where it’s like I have woken up out of a dream…to realize I am alive. I want more then what I have settled for a long time. I guess I have a few different things at this time to thank for this… I have a few things I want to do to get my plan into motion. I want to loose weight so I am healthier. This will no doubt have me needing to work out to accomplish this… I want to let my hair grow out again… I like it short but I feel like it looks better longer… I have almost finished school and I am proud of that. I have a habit of starting things but not finishing them. Maybe something I can change… like the photo above I will just start right here where I am and use what I have to do what I can…