My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)

Music.  Hardly a day passes when I do not listen to the sweet tunes and melodies.  It has the power to transport you into the past, future, or some dreamlike dimension.  It can make you feel powerful emotions: sadness, fear, pain, grief, anger, love, peace, joy, comfort, and so many more.  There is music I listen to that takes me back to when I was a kid.  Some remind me of my Dad and even now I feel describe how I feel about our relationship now.  Timeless songs that meant one thing to me when I heard them when I was young and still mean something different to me now, but are still relevant even today.

I catch myself listening to Neil Young, Cat Stevens, and Jethro Tull.  These musicians and their songs make me think fondly of my Dad.  Memories surface of past times and even more recent memories.  One that profoundly I think describes the relationship I have with him is Old Man by Neil Young.

Young Neil

Neil Young playing at Wembley Stadium in London 1974 with Crosby Stills Nash and Young

Old man, look at my life
24 and there’s so much more
Live alone in a paradise
That makes me think of two
Love lost, such a cost
Give me things that don’t get lost
Like a coin that won’t get tossed
Rolling home to you
Old man, take a look at my life
I’m a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that’s true
Lullabies, look in your eyes
Run around the same old town
Doesn’t mean that much to me
To mean that much to you
I’ve been first and last
Look at how the time goes past
But I’m all alone at last
Rolling home to you
Old man, take a look at my life
I’m a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that’s true

Words end up falling short.  Words set to music have the ability to say more than I could possibly express.  I feel in my bones that this song means so much more to me and how I feel about my Dad.  I feel now I am so much like him and just one look in my eyes that you can tell that’s true.

Then there is Cat Stevens.  His song Wild World was a favorite of mine when I was little and even now I feel so much more of what the song means to me.  Like I know the song is about a girl leaving him but to me it was me leaving my Dad.  We all must leave home eventually and I always felt like this song was his way of telling me he loves me and to be careful out in the world.

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Cat Stevens

But if you want to leave, take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breaking my heart in two
‘Cause I never want to see you sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
Beware
I always felt like it was a warning…and I now know it’s impossible to get by just by a smile.  I now have seen what the world can and will do.  You can try to escape the bad but there always ends up being times when you can’t escape.  Friends and family turn on you.  Love is gained and lost.  People who mean the world to you will pass away.  You do the best you can to continue down the road called life.
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Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost in The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton

Nothing can stay in this world.  Everything passes away.  My advice is to spend as much time with the family and friends who stick by you when the going gets tough.  Learn to enjoy to down time.  Create something whether it be music, poetry, painting, knitting, crochet, or anything that brings you joy or pain.  You only have one life to live so give it all you’ve got.
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Riverdale

New series on the CW.  If asked, I most identify with Jughead.  Why might you ask?  If you aren’t up to date on the series then read no further…

I guess you can already see some similarities between us.  I like to write, as does Jughead. He is interested in local news as pertaining to the murder mystery of who killed Jason Blosom. I love murder mysteries.  Otherwise similarities are not so easy to spot, unless you know me and my back story.

Episode S1E7 made me cry. I don’t cry easy, but just let me say this episode in particular touched me.  It was because I felt what Jughead was going through with his dad.  Having a parent who is “drowning,” to use the words of Fred Andrews, Archie’s dad, you can try to help them all you want but in the end they just pull you down with them.  If they don’t want to help themselves there is NOTHING you can do to help them.  I know that Jughead still has hope.  I don’t blame him for that, but I’ve been there for such a long time I have given up hope.  I do hope for him in this series that he doesn’t have to wait long and his dad will change… but that remains to be seen.  

Chapter One: The River's Edge

Riverdale — “Pilot” — Pictured: Cole Sprouse as Jughead

You see when you are a child you don’t really understand everything about your parents. When you reach high school you think you know everything, and you don’t always see both sides to each story or know your own parent’s back story.  I have found out lots of things and a lot of them I won’t bore you with. I was always made to believe I was such a bad kid.  Truth be told, I wasn’t nearly as wild or such a bad seed!  I have only begun to find out in the past 10 years more about both of my parents.  My dad is the one who has been the one I could rely on.  My mother, on the other hand not so much.  I have been out on my own since I was about 17.  That was when my parents split up and I tried living at home with just my mom.  That just didn’t work out for me.  My mother is very controlling individual. Lots of guilt trips were put on me if I didn’t stop what I was doing straight away and bring her whatever she wanted.  No matter what I was doing. She went to a party with me after seeing a friend’s band play and I was informed that she was upstairs smoking pot. You might see my complaints as well she didn’t have it that bad. I’m not saying my life is the worst story you have ever heard…let me just state that right now.

Once I was out on my own, couch surfing and living somewhat out of my own car… she would still ask me for favors. My mother has had a few boyfriends. All of them being losers, and each one being a bigger one than the last. The first one she would call me up and have me go spy on him by driving by his house after I left work. JOY. I remember taking her over to his house to get some of her stuff back when the cops were called out to the location because they had an altercation. I remember he was with some other lady at the time who was trying to pit us against one another. I called her out on this and refused to play into her mind game. First time I cussed in front of an officer. Good times.

Then there was the second loser of a boyfriend. He had bipolar disorder and would routinely not have enough funds for his medicines so he would go without. I would on the random occasion be contacted because he was being mean to her and I was supposed to do something about it. One occasion, I was out at dinner celebrating a friend’s birthday and was called to come fix her food because he would not do so.  I also got called once because he was throwing stuff at her and I was to make sure he left the house. After she kept letting him come back I put a stop to her calling me to help her break up with him.

Now my mom is with her third boyfriend…second of which she has been living off of his disability with him. A tree came down and basically ruined her house and she for some reason thought she would try to see if they could stay with me. I knew that if I did that I would never be able to get her out of my small one bedroom apartment. So I told her no. Then I got a guilt trip on which I hung up on her. I stopped talking with my mom for about two years until her mom, my grandmother, was about to pass. We don’t talk much now and I actually like it better.

I have actually learned to let go do what is best for me… which normally means I don’t speak to my own mother. I learned what it means to love yourself first. [Thanks Jared Padalecki] To me it means to remember your feelings and what you can handle and what you can’t…and its okay to just walk away of you can’t deal.

Further on in the season, Jughead has even more emotional moments with his Dad who just isn’t there for him. I see the parallels when JP talks about how his firing is Mr. Andrew’s fault and takes none of the blame. A sentiment I know all too well. My mom is the same way that it is everyone else’s fault how her life has turned out. Somehow even partly my fault for not doing more to help her… but I refuse to believe that or feel like it is my fault. I am not responsible for supporting not only myself but my mom. I was raised to be independent and to be able to fend for myself. I don’t expect anyone else to support or help me. I’m an adult and that is my job to support myself. Maybe one day my mom can see that fact as well, but I’m not holding my breath.

Flowers in your hair

 

Where do I begin to tell you all that has happened to me?  I plan to update you with another post that will include all the comic cons I have been to this year to date. Including A Celebration of Harry Potter, Fan Expo Dallas, and Comicpalooza… (with pics ’cause pics or it didn’t happen).  I finally graduated last month with a college degree.  See below for pics…

I’m not using my degree currently at the job I am at but it gives me more options…  Plus it feels good to finally have school behind me.  There were times I felt like I might not finish but with the encouragement of my friends I was successful.

I started a new job on my birthday this year.  I work selling forms that work with the software the main company sells.  I like it.  The benefits are awesome (insurance, 401K, tons of paid time off) and I really like all of my co-workers.

I have things I am really looking forward to this year such as going to the Walker Stalker con in Tulsa and competing in GISHWHES again this year!  I also have tons of projects in the works between loom knitting, quilting, and learning how to weave.  Lots of very good books to read.  Making travel plans as I hope to be able to make it back to sunny Florida this year (make it an annual trip).

Till my next few posts full of pics, adieu!

Wild Horses

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The former things have passed away

No one can understand the feelings I have

I sometimes don’t even know why I still do

It certainly hasn’t gotten me anywhere

Three little words that mean so much to me

Do they mean as much to you?

If they don’t, I will just not say them anymore

I’m tired of hurting and you said you would be there for me

Yet you are NEVER there ever

It’s just me, myself, and I

So I’ll continue on like I always have alone

If anything I have learned to stand for something

Or you will fall for anything…

I don’t think I can mean or say those words again to you

I’m moving on for me because it’s what is best for me

adieu

Geek’d Con – Tyler

So today I went to Geek’d Con and even for a small show [smaller than Walker Stalker] I did have a lot of fun!  Got to put on a yellow rain jacket and get in the driver’s seat of the Jurassic Park Jeep!  [Picture is above] Went with my friend Stacey and her son, Wesley.  Listened to Theshay West, one of the walkers that followed Michonne around from the Walking Dead. 

Listened to the Sam Witwer panel.  Not only has he done some cool stuff he is really good at impressions!  He was just a really cool guy!  Then met him. 

I also met Lindsey McKeon who played Tessa, the Reaper, on Supernatural.  She also did a guest spot on 2 episodes in Veronica Mars season 3.  She also is on One Tree Hill but I haven’t watch that yet…

Here some photos from the show below:

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My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think…

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang,

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

It’d be to my brother, ‘cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered,
Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “wake up, you need to make money.”

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

When I came across this song… not only did the beat draw me in but it reminds me of a simpler time in life.  What if we could go back [in time] like that could ever happen?!

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In the immortal words of Wayne Campbell, “Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.”

I was somewhat shocked as I was taking my niece and nephew somewhere recently that my niece  [age 10] knew this song.  She even sang along.  Little did I know, she probably heard it on the radio, but she knew the lyrics just as good as I do!  Although she might understand what the words mean… the meaning of the words to a soul with life experience is very different…at least I believe so.  I think all of us wish not to be stressed out.

When you get out on your own [and start your adventure in adulting] there are bills which if you want those paid you get a job… can we just go back to when we played with toys and friends.  Where are dreams were achievable and nothing could make us lose hope?  Music does that for us.  I think that is why is it so important.  I know the best remedy for me when I am stressed out is to either play my guitar or listen to music!  So pick your favorite musicians and jam to your hearts content and try not to be “stressed out”.  I will do the same.

#AlwaysKeepFighting #YouAreNotAlone #LoveYourselfFirst

Live. Laugh. Love.

So much has happened in the last month.  I have been a bad person not keeping up with my blog posts on here.  Let me explain what all has come to pass in the past few weeks. 

Life is unrelenting and finite and we spend too much time feeling guilty or afraid to truly live it.

I was just going in February and March between going to Dallas Stars games, staying with a friend in Garland [saying that always makes me think of Zombieland], going with some friends to Shreveport, and taking a friend or two to the airport in DFW area… then I started visiting my grandmother almost everyday. She wasn’t doing well and her health declined very quickly.  She passed away on April 9th early in the morning…  I lost my best friend.  My grandmother ment so much to me.  We spent so much time together just talking, playing games, knitting, I would play my guitar for her, and all other kinds of stuff.  We always had fun no matter what.  I’m still emotional at times. The first few days were SO hard.  I felt like I was just going through the motions and trying to function normally.  I was so depressed I came up with the idea to get a puppy. 

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Name is Rocco / He's a Manchester Terrier

I felt I needed to get something that relied on me… I needed purpose.  I suffer from depression normally but this sadness I felt was like a black hole.  I searched until I found my little buddy!  I went and got him last weekend from a shelter somewhat of a drive from where I live.  He is so cute, full of life, and for the most part brings me lots of joy! 

Until he decided to chew up the bottom plastic in his crate.  I took that out because he destroyed it.  Then he took to tearing holes out of the carpet.  I was in shock, upset, and anxious he will tear up more things.  I have a solution for the time being but am still working stuff out.  A friend sent me this appropriate meme… [see below]

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SO now I am busy training a puppy, working at a law firm [totally love my job], getting my new SUV all hairy [thanks to Rocco], and just living life.  I will always miss my grandmother. But I can remember the good times we had and enjoy life. That’s what she would have wanted…