Live. Laugh. Love.

So much has happened in the last month.  I have been a bad person not keeping up with my blog posts on here.  Let me explain what all has come to pass in the past few weeks. 

Life is unrelenting and finite and we spend too much time feeling guilty or afraid to truly live it.

I was just going in February and March between going to Dallas Stars games, staying with a friend in Garland [saying that always makes me think of Zombieland], going with some friends to Shreveport, and taking a friend or two to the airport in DFW area… then I started visiting my grandmother almost everyday. She wasn’t doing well and her health declined very quickly.  She passed away on April 9th early in the morning…  I lost my best friend.  My grandmother ment so much to me.  We spent so much time together just talking, playing games, knitting, I would play my guitar for her, and all other kinds of stuff.  We always had fun no matter what.  I’m still emotional at times. The first few days were SO hard.  I felt like I was just going through the motions and trying to function normally.  I was so depressed I came up with the idea to get a puppy. 

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Name is Rocco / He's a Manchester Terrier

I felt I needed to get something that relied on me… I needed purpose.  I suffer from depression normally but this sadness I felt was like a black hole.  I searched until I found my little buddy!  I went and got him last weekend from a shelter somewhat of a drive from where I live.  He is so cute, full of life, and for the most part brings me lots of joy! 

Until he decided to chew up the bottom plastic in his crate.  I took that out because he destroyed it.  Then he took to tearing holes out of the carpet.  I was in shock, upset, and anxious he will tear up more things.  I have a solution for the time being but am still working stuff out.  A friend sent me this appropriate meme… [see below]

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SO now I am busy training a puppy, working at a law firm [totally love my job], getting my new SUV all hairy [thanks to Rocco], and just living life.  I will always miss my grandmother. But I can remember the good times we had and enjoy life. That’s what she would have wanted…

Times Like These

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I honestly have always loved this song… when I have something on my mind I end up listening to it and getting lost in thought. It played today on my playlist and it was perfect timing to think of recent events. I think this song talks about new times in our life that come about… do we let the new things teach us and mold us into the people we are becoming? Or do we runaway scared of ourselves and leave behind the chance of something great happening or it could turn out not so hot… decisions to make every day. I have these moments where I feel like the things I am going through right then are awakening me to where I almost feel like I haven’t really been living but just going through the motions. It’s times like these that I feel like it says I am learning to live, give, and love again…. time and time again over the years.

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I have heard this song at different points in my life. “It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.” This one phrase seems to sum up almost every relationship I have ever been in… I have no happy ending to tell. I end up just trying to enjoy the time spent with whoever I end up with. For if my life has has shown me anything that change can be counted on and nothing stays the same time and time again. I have come to just expect it…

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I have come to the point where it’s like I have woken up out of a dream…to realize I am alive. I want more then what I have settled for a long time. I guess I have a few different things at this time to thank for this… I have a few things I want to do to get my plan into motion. I want to loose weight so I am healthier. This will no doubt have me needing to work out to accomplish this… I want to let my hair grow out again… I like it short but I feel like it looks better longer… I have almost finished school and I am proud of that. I have a habit of starting things but not finishing them. Maybe something I can change… like the photo above I will just start right here where I am and use what I have to do what I can…

Stuck in Love

In High School I had this one English teacher who had us write in a journal everyday for homework. We had to write three pages a day and show it to her. It could be about anything we wanted just had to be the required length of pages. Seeing the way their Dad had them writing in a journal and paying them for it so they could focus on writing rather than a minimum wage job… reminded me of my teacher. I also liked how the Dad said that a writer is the sum of their experiences… and I have found that to be true. Sometimes we can imagine events that might happen or we can draw from the things we have been through and write about it. Add characters to liven up the telling and change names to protect the innocent or the guilty…

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I really felt like the daughter and I had a lot in common. A good relationship with our Dad’s. Love to read. Cynical about love. I feel like there are two different types of people in the world: realists and hopeless romantics… I used to be what I would call a romantic…looking for love and getting my heart broken over and over again. Now I feel like I am more of realist. I kinda even like her motto…

Avoid love at all costs…that’s my motto.

I have been single for quite awhile now. I have gotten so used to it that I really like it. I can’t really see myself being with someone. I like coming and going when I please…and planning trips with my friends. I see movies, concerts, hockey games, travel to new places, and lots more… I can’t say I don’t miss some things but for the most part I do not miss the drama and the fighting that comes along with a relationship. (Well they have always been very much a part of any relationship I had in the past.) Life is too short to live it unhappy. I have always been scared of lots of things but more scared of not trying at all. So I take chances. Sometimes it pays off. Other times it doesn’t.

So here is where I currently am in my life. My Mom and I don’t talk. She likes being around whatever guy she is dating and doing drugs more than talking to her own daughter. Even before we didn’t really have the greatest relationship. My Dad and I have done nothing but grow closer the past 10 years… he is like my best friend. The end of last year was very difficult for me as I thought I had lost my grandmother. She is like my other best friend. She was very sick for a long time and just wasn’t herself. So I could still talk to her but she didn’t always understand or even realize who I was. Sometimes she thought I was my mom…or other people. Now she is better and I am happy to have her where I can talk to her again…but I don’t feel like I can tell her what is bothering me anymore because of a lot of things mostly I am scared of loosing her. Her husband and my grandfather died this past January. When I am not blogging and spilling out all my feelings in posts… I work a full time job and take two classes a semester at the local college. I lead a busy existence. When it gets to much I try to slow down and remember to enjoy the small moments I spend with friends and family.

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So live for the now…spend as much time as you can with the ones you love…and always be true to yourself.

Until the next time…catch you on the flip side.