Live. Laugh. Love.

So much has happened in the last month.  I have been a bad person not keeping up with my blog posts on here.  Let me explain what all has come to pass in the past few weeks. 

Life is unrelenting and finite and we spend too much time feeling guilty or afraid to truly live it.

I was just going in February and March between going to Dallas Stars games, staying with a friend in Garland [saying that always makes me think of Zombieland], going with some friends to Shreveport, and taking a friend or two to the airport in DFW area… then I started visiting my grandmother almost everyday. She wasn’t doing well and her health declined very quickly.  She passed away on April 9th early in the morning…  I lost my best friend.  My grandmother ment so much to me.  We spent so much time together just talking, playing games, knitting, I would play my guitar for her, and all other kinds of stuff.  We always had fun no matter what.  I’m still emotional at times. The first few days were SO hard.  I felt like I was just going through the motions and trying to function normally.  I was so depressed I came up with the idea to get a puppy. 

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Name is Rocco / He's a Manchester Terrier

I felt I needed to get something that relied on me… I needed purpose.  I suffer from depression normally but this sadness I felt was like a black hole.  I searched until I found my little buddy!  I went and got him last weekend from a shelter somewhat of a drive from where I live.  He is so cute, full of life, and for the most part brings me lots of joy! 

Until he decided to chew up the bottom plastic in his crate.  I took that out because he destroyed it.  Then he took to tearing holes out of the carpet.  I was in shock, upset, and anxious he will tear up more things.  I have a solution for the time being but am still working stuff out.  A friend sent me this appropriate meme… [see below]

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SO now I am busy training a puppy, working at a law firm [totally love my job], getting my new SUV all hairy [thanks to Rocco], and just living life.  I will always miss my grandmother. But I can remember the good times we had and enjoy life. That’s what she would have wanted…

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A Hard Days Night

Today was a rough one for me. It started out early with my waking up before 8 but somehow I managed to go back to sleep until after noon… I even did good on my diet by eating a salad for lunch. Then I sat down to watch a movie called Everybody’s Fine. It had an outstanding cast. Very well acted. But unknown to me until WAY to late was a freaking tear jerker! I ended up crying until my eyes hurt because they had no more moisture left. So no not everyone was fine as the movie title suggested. They have hurt me ever since then to tell you the truth. It was saddening to see how the kids in that family made me think of my mom’s side of the family. You see my mom was the youngest of four kiddos. She has drug problems just like the youngest did in the movie. That is where the similarities stop. Everyone though in the movie was worried about their youngest brother David… who they find out has passed. They eventually have to tell their father who takes it hard…though it has been only 8 months since he lost his wife so 2 deaths in such a short period would effect anyone greatly.

On to well the point of where I was going my mom has 3 older siblings. Daniel who is the eldest, Susan who came after, Carol who was the youngest of them for 5 years until well you guessed it my mom came along. I wasn’t born yet of course but while growing up you think one way of your parents but when you become an adult you see your parents with very different view…or at least I have found this to be the case in my life. When my grandmother was out of it I found out a few startling things about my mother I did not know. I already knew what I have seen that she has certain issues she tries to not tell me about (drug usage mostly) but I wasn’t born yesterday so I see what she is doing. She lies to me. She was always asking to borrow money until at the first of this year I told her no more… I was not giving her anymore money.  Evidently I had told her this twice and she was very upset. She hasn’t talked to me since. I have no way of contacting her and since she has moved I don’t even know where she is living currently.

My dad on the other hand… well I used to think because of how my mom always told me stuff about their relationship it was his fault it ended. Now that my dad has become more like my best friend well I don’t feel that way anymore. I like I said see my parents in a different light. Like I have always been told there is always 2 sides to every story! My dad remarried and things I would have said in the beginning were great…now I would say not so great. I feel bad for him and want him to be happy. I know he is proud of me and wants me to be happy too! I am just glad to have him as my dad and as a friend.

So after the movie I got ready for church. I find that here of late I just don’t like the hugging so I wait to come in until after meet and greet is over with…  I did come in enough time to see Kianna be baptized tonight. I was also able to chit chat with my friend Ami who I hadn’t seen in a while. Then we had Pastor’s going away party to celebrate all the good times we had with them at our church. I left once all of the speeches were done.

I came out to be around the Spencers. I remember Beverly and Dave Spencer from when I came to church when I was growing up. I came out here to spend the night and then hang out tomorrow.  Spending time with the ones that matter to you is one of the best things on earth in my opinion. They have two of their children here along with their families… it was like being in a movie. All sitting around watching a movie with popcorn,  laughter, and the occasional rewind of the movie to catch something that had been missed. Makes me wonder how different would I have been if I had been in a different home situation growing up…

Just been a depressing day all around with a ray of hope here and there. Keep looking and living for those rays of hope. They are what will keep you going. Take it from me…I know from experience.

There and Back again…. Carolyn’s Journey

So today is Wednesday. It has only been a week since I was informed that my grandmother was brought to the hospital. She came in by ambulance last Monday. She fell down and was too weak to get up. She seems to get better then get worse… it has been a week of back and forth. Last week I would come after work and stay with her while my Uncle went home to feed animals, laundry, etc… This Monday (Nov 11th) I was waiting on my Uncle to come back… he went to go check on my grandfather before returning… well he did return to the hospital but along with my grandfather who went to the ER. So now both grandparents are in the hospital. I have been staying every night with my grandmother….then working during the day then back to the hospital. My Uncle has now been staying with my grandfather. My Aunt has been staying during the day with my grandmother… My grandfather seems like he will be okay and back home way sooner then my grandmother…who as of tonight can’t even remember her own name… she just shruggs and doesn’t even try to think of her own name. It makes me very sad as just before this happened she was just going ninety to nothing!

Just to give you a little more information about my grandmother… She is 85 years old. Has her own iphone that she knows how to use… and ipad. She is always working or knitting something… or better yet she loves weaving. She also loves to read books on her reader… I just don’t know and it is so hard to see her like this with just no memory of anything much less be able to tell you where she is even… I just do what I can do… try to help her the best way I can. I try to keep reminding her of things and names. I try to just be here every night to make sure she is ok. I try to pray for her and my grandfather as much as I can. I have almost perfected the art of sleeping in the hospital… I am a very heavy sleeper so that does help some but I feel like I am just brain dead when I make it to work… I will try to keep you updated on how things are going in my land of work then hospital.

I thought I would try to make light of my journeys back and forth with a catchy title… I feel like I am always on a journey…and though my name isn’t Bilbo and I am not traveling far across Middle Earth…. I am on a journey none the less… till the next post!!!

I would really still appreciate all the prayers I can get for my grandparents.

Sincerely,

Carolyn Hayes