i FINALLY forgive you

Tonight I went to this women’s event where the speaker gave a talk on forgiveness. She forgave the two men who kidnapped her and her boyfriend. They did unspeakable & horrible things to her yet she forgave them. That is to say hearing her story inspired me that I still haven’t really truly forgiven certain individuals.

A quote she used that I really liked was from C. S. Lewis…”everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.”

So I came home and started thinking…well even before that while I was still at the event. I haven’t forgiven my ex Jason. I have tried to forget him, I have tried dating other people, and other stuff but I haven’t tried this so just bear with me. I will attempt to explain as I continue what I am trying to accomplish. I am going to write a letter and put it on my blog not because he has asked for it, nor because he might see it, because maybe getting this all out will help me to completely forgive and move on…

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Dear Jason,
     When I first met you it was like how every relationship starts… how it ended well we went our separate ways. In the beginning we would fight and it felt we were both in it trying to make things work. It just shouldn’t ever be that hard to make something work. Our fights were far too often and just should have told us how wrong for each other, if we had been reading the signs. Lack of communication left me feeling lonely and unloved most of the time. You barely told me you loved me like twice in two and a half years. I wanted to spend time with you and remember being told that I did get to spend time with you when we slept in the same bed together! How is sleeping ever considered spending time with someone? You were always spending more time with your guy friends than with me. I cooked quite a bit and only cleaned when you nagged me too… I then gained weight because I have never really worked out, plus we ate really late dinners all the time, and I was somewhat depressed. Lastly to top it all off you then started making fun of me for weighing 5 pounds more than you AND you never wanted to have sex with me (maybe once a month) plus wouldn’t tell me why. I finally asked you why and you responded back with, “I had grown quite chubby, you wanted me to go back down to the weight I was when we first met, and you didn’t want me to end up like my mom.” Oh and I forgot to mention how you would joke at my expense saying hurtful things to me and then would always say you were “just joking”! When you hear things enough spoken even if you say that phrase I started to assume you weren’t just joking…there was some truth to it. I haven’t seen you since we broke up…not once. I was hurt and broken by the treatment I let myself go through at the time from you. I know you haven’t asked for this but I forgive you. Not for your sake but for mine. I figured out why I stayed so long in a relationship as bad as ours was and it reminded me of how my parents relationship was. It felt normal after seeing years of my parents always fighting and struggling. Because of that experience I was able to express things to my father and now we are very close. So for that I am thankful…as well as I don’t take crap from guys anymore like I did from you. Lesson learned. So please forgive me for cheating on you once but I had to make sure I didn’t come back to you. I already had come back once and we tried it again…but it was meant to end.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

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I sin every day. I am not perfect but I try to be a good person. I have values and morals I hold myself to follow. The Bible tells how we should forgive as Jesus forgave us…

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Colossians 3:12-14 MSG

Live. Love. Forgive.
Sometimes hard but that’s life!

The Walking Dead

With lots more late nights to come and still having to wake in time to make it to work during the week (before or around 8 in the morning) leaves me feeling like a zombie. Staggering around. Groaning. Temperamental. I think you get the picture. If not see below…you’ll catch my drift.

R from Warm Bodies

“I don’t wanna be this way. I’m lonely. I’m totally lost. I mean, I’m literally lost. I’ve never been in this part of the airport before.”

For instance today my boss called me on my cell. Then in the conversation asked me to text him my direct line at work so he could put it in his cell. I go to do this while trying to multitask doing two or three other things while texting him back… I send him my cell number (I might add which he already has as he just called me on it). I finally realize what I did and just shake my head. Now not only does he think I might be an idiot, I then have to text him a second time with the right number. I don’t always help myself out by staying up late like writing this blog at this late hour but when do I have the time before now to do these things? I don’t is the obvious answer. So here I am putting this together. Or on Sunday I took a road trip to go see a Dallas Stars Hockey game + an alumni game after that to which I didn’t get home until midnight… and being Sunday (the most dreaded day of my week) Monday was the next day. I have somewhat recovered from that but last night after work then class I had to do laundry which kept me up late. Tonight was a chance to go to sleep early but I had things to do and now I am writing this so I am up late again. #Sigh

While most folks were our having a green beer in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day… (I also celebrated Murphy’s Law day as my work day sucked) but I went to my apartment for Bingo. There were drinks (Sprite or Water), snacks (cookies), and prizes (giftcards, a diamond necklace, and a rent voucher) to be given away all for free. The trick was you just had to get a B-I-N-G-O before anyone else of course. So was luck on my side you may ask yourself?

Lucky or not?

Lucky or not?

Why yes I was VERY lucky as I was the second person to have a bingo. I ended up with a nifty $20 gift card to Target. It was a lot of fun and I came very close to winning again…but being close doesn’t cut it. I do think I might have been in fear for my life from the other residents if I had won another prize… Alas I did not win another prize. Once that was over I then I went out with my best friend to grab some dinner.

Back to the topic of zombies and loss of sleep… I have been now since the fall of 2012 going back to college at night for a Associates as a paralegal. This semester has been rough as I have had to go up to class three nights a week. Monday/Wednesday/Thursday have become very long days for me between work and class. It is about to pay off! Why you may ask? Well I am going to hunker down and take the last three classes I need next semester. This means I should graduate in December of this year. Taking something two classes at a time kind of has a feeling of desperation thinking will this ever be done. Yes, yes it will and now in a very short time for me. In a very short time really I will be able to say, I did it! Then maybe I can get more sleep but probably not.

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