Life without…

I keep being reminded of people from my past. Hurtful and very painful things to remember. Wishing I could shut my mind off. There seems often times like there is no hope left. It has been years, yet somehow I still love you. That saying, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” is total bullshit. At times I think it would be better to just be lonely…than to know what it feels like to be wanted and then discarded like trash. Bitter much you might ask? The longer I am by myself and single the worse it gets, unless I can turn off the thinking about it and be carefree. Till I see a reminder of who I once was… hearing a nickname on a show that brings me back to when I was called that. Never thought in a million years that would happen and tonight it did. Wonders never cease, but it made me miss someone I never thought I would. I used to be your “Care” as in care bear, which sounds so stupid to me now, but was so endearing at the time.

So no I don’t want to care about it, you, or my past memories. I wonder how many people can break my heart? How many times can it mend and I keep on going…? I consider myself lucky as I have dated quite a few souls but only really “loved” three in my life thus far.

My first love was like a breath of fresh air. Scary and unbalanced but it was real. We could talk about anything and I could be completely myself around him. I still talked to him up until last year. Now I can’t reach my oldest friend. I think the keeping him around even all these years later has been a blessing and a curse. Then there was another love who we kept missing each other. What I mean is due to circumstances between a long distance relationship to miscommunication it wasn’t meant to be…he was also a dear friend who I could call up at any time. One of the things I miss about him is our hours of conversation and when I was upset he would sing to me. When we had the chance to be around each other you could tell that the appropriate sparks were flying. Then where was the final one I loved. Called me “Care” for care bear and sometimes called me his grumpy care bear… There once was a good side to him that loved me but once his Dad passed he became someone else…and though it dragged on for such a while it ended in disaster.

So now that I have enlightened you with my tale of woe, I must try to find some peace.

Adieu

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February Stars

One of the feelings I feel most uncomfortable with is feeling vulnerable. But to care about another person in my opinion is to some extent when you become vulnerable. You can’t control how or what they feel towards you. Can’t make someone like you or care about you…and vice versa. I used to say in the past I was fearless. I didn’t care if I was out on a limb or could get hurt all that mattered was I was going to be true to how I felt about someone. I would say that age and heart break has me a little more on the cautious side and slow to become attached to anyone. I am always looking back to the past. Sometimes I remember memories of happy times. I am fortunate to have a lot of times where I remember being happy. (I also have many times where I was miserable as well unfortunately.) When I listen to a song that reminds me fondly of someone. Or a movie like I watched tonight where they were were kissing in the rain just like we did. Or even a picture can jog up a memory.

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Like sitting out under the moon at the edge of a pier talking about life. Being close to that special someone in your life… being open and vulnerable. Swimming in the lake at midnight and hiding from the sheriff. That look, come on you know what I am talking about, between two souls. Looking up at the stars and wondering what they see when they look down upon us every night…

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I have been thinking a lot after such a week as I had… well as you can tell from my rambling on here as well. I have someone that I am interested in and I am taking that day by day. I have a friend who is like a little brother to me and we have been hanging out quite a bit. That has been nice for a change and I feel very comfortable talking to… I also have that type of relationship with my Dad (as in I can tell him anything). I also have run into some people who I used to go to High School with this past week. It was unexpected and the people in question are not ones I even wanted to run back into. Oh well.
So now my weekend is half over with. Hung out with “little brother” last night till late watching a series and talking. Tonight I went to church then had a friend over…we watched movies and she is spending the night. As for tomorrow or wait later on today… I am supposed to see [the guy] and spend some time with him. He is taking me somewhere and won’t tell me where. Oh well guess it will be a surprise for me. Well it is really late in the morning and I am listening to The Wallflowers. I must pass out before the sun starts coming up (even though it’s not that late yet). Guess the point of this whole thing is I am happy in this moment, and that is good enough for me.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone

I have always loved the premise of this movie. Have a relationship. Get close to someone and then have your heart broken. After that you get a nifty little procedure done that rids you of all the memories of that person. But the irony of the whole thing is that the two main characters end up meeting again… they fall in love again. Brilliant! I really like stories that have somewhat quirky plots such as this.

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Memories are such funny things. They can make you happy, or sad, and sometimes angry. I have so many that sometimes they can overwhelm me and depress me as well. I feel that most of the time the reason that a relationship didn’t work out for me is because it was never meant to be… the hardest one to get over was the one I was with the longest. We lived together the entire time almost that we were together. We met at where I worked. He came through my check out line and asked me for my phone number. Oh if I could go back and not give it to him… how much different would my life be? Our first date he picked me up from work and had a rose in the seat. We went out to eat with his best friend and his girlfriend then went to go see a movie. At that time right before I was living at my Dad’s and he told me that he didn’t give us 6 months… so I guess I wanted to prove him wrong.

So after about the first week I started living with Jason. I thought at first that the little fights we would have were just from trying to get to know one another…from not being used to living together. It’s hard for me to remember much good about that time. I do remember that when he would get up to go to work he would kiss me goodbye. I just got so used to living with someone and sleeping next to someone. That is what hurt the most afterwards. The feeling of complete loneliness I felt sleeping alone might be why I prefer sleeping on the couch rather then on my bed.

He started saying things to me… mean hurtful things and then was like I was just kidding. I always remember this time I was standing in the kitchen. I was very upset later on in our relationship because what guy only wants to have sex with you once a month? Really?  So I was talking to him about that while making dinner. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I was thinking the whole time oh how sweet… I couldn’t have been more wrong. He told me the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was for a couple of reasons. One was he wanted me to get back down in weight to what I was when we first met… and he said something else then he told me that he didn’t want me to end up looking like my mom. I was speechless at the time. Looking back on it I wish I had turned around and slapped him hard. Looking back I know he was verbally abusive and I just took it. Finally his friends told him that he was being an ass to me and he didn’t know how to stop being that way so we broke up.

For some reason we did get back together but I was the one to finally end it. I remember 2 weeks before I did we had this conversation… when he was mad at me he would always say that I needed to go to my Dad’s for a few days. I would fight back saying I payed the rent too and so I wasn’t going anywhere. This night in particular he was pissing me off. So I told him I was going to take a few days and stay at my Dad’s house. He was sitting on the couch looking up at me and had this cocky smirk on his face. He said, ” You’ll never leave me…” and it was 2 weeks to the day of him making that statement that I did in fact leave him. Next door to us his best friend lived. I had grown close to his wife. We talked after he left so I could get some of my stuff out of the house. I stayed to long talking. As I was pulling out he was coming back…he followed me and waved me down. So I stopped to hear what he had to say… the first thing out of his mouth was “go put your crap back in the house”. Isn’t that so romantic? NOT! In that conversation he couldn’t tell me he loved me but that he liked me. So that was it for me and I told him no way and I was done.

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I don’t think I have ever had a healthy relationship in my life. Either I liked him way more or he liked me more than I liked him. But you can get so caught up in the looks you get. Or the physical interactions between you that it feels right… when in reality it is nothing but oh so wrong.

I believe as human beings we were made to crave affection and connection from others. We have this need to feel loved. We receive it sometimes hopefully from our parents or at least from one parent if we get lucky. We can also get it from our extended family there again if we get lucky. Some get lucky enough to get it from a spouse. In the end no one really wants to be alone. It comes down to choice then. I feel that I choose to remain alone because it is easier than all the messy feelings and problems that come into your life from a relationship. It is just hard as you know to be alone once you have lived with someone. All the closeness you miss. Sleeping alone for me as you could have guessed is the worst…but after time it get easier. It gets where it doesn’t even bother you most of the time… I might change my mind in the future…who knows? Until then I will enjoy my time being single. I can come and go as I please. I have lots of friends who I do things with. I am free!

Until next time…catch you on the flip side!

A Wrinkle in Time

Memories of things in my past are like pages of a well read book… I like to take down from the bookshelf every once in a while and reread over certain sections… I always think of Gatsby saying “Can’t re-live the past, why of course you can…” and that is what I allow myself to do. It took watching a kids movie today (went and watched Frozen with a friend) to realize that I don’t think I have ever known what true love is… But I think that this weekend I have seen true love from friends who care about me. I did something stupid. I was scared to come clean feeling that I might be judged for what I had let transpire. Instead I was given some great advice from people who are looking out for my best interests. Not one of them made me feel guilty but they helped lift me up. Helped me realize again that I deserve someone very special who loves God like I do and who will treat me with respect, with kindness, and someone who will love me for me. I actually do deserve that. I know one of the reasons why God led me back to church to give me such great friends in my life for such a time as this.

So I still take walks down memory lane. My memories and the people who came into my life have made me the person I am today. Sometimes I am not proud of the person who I was but here of late I have been okay with myself. I am changing a little each day. I know that with forgiveness (love the song by TobyMac) from God and giving myself forgiveness when I mess up… I am still traveling down the path I feel God has set out before me. I will take those wonderful friends who truly love me along with me on this journey. I know that this time of darkness is just a wrinkle in time… but I have such a support system in my life that I know I will make it through. I have faith. I have hope. I have love.