February Stars

One of the feelings I feel most uncomfortable with is feeling vulnerable. But to care about another person in my opinion is to some extent when you become vulnerable. You can’t control how or what they feel towards you. Can’t make someone like you or care about you…and vice versa. I used to say in the past I was fearless. I didn’t care if I was out on a limb or could get hurt all that mattered was I was going to be true to how I felt about someone. I would say that age and heart break has me a little more on the cautious side and slow to become attached to anyone. I am always looking back to the past. Sometimes I remember memories of happy times. I am fortunate to have a lot of times where I remember being happy. (I also have many times where I was miserable as well unfortunately.) When I listen to a song that reminds me fondly of someone. Or a movie like I watched tonight where they were were kissing in the rain just like we did. Or even a picture can jog up a memory.

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Like sitting out under the moon at the edge of a pier talking about life. Being close to that special someone in your life… being open and vulnerable. Swimming in the lake at midnight and hiding from the sheriff. That look, come on you know what I am talking about, between two souls. Looking up at the stars and wondering what they see when they look down upon us every night…

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I have been thinking a lot after such a week as I had… well as you can tell from my rambling on here as well. I have someone that I am interested in and I am taking that day by day. I have a friend who is like a little brother to me and we have been hanging out quite a bit. That has been nice for a change and I feel very comfortable talking to… I also have that type of relationship with my Dad (as in I can tell him anything). I also have run into some people who I used to go to High School with this past week. It was unexpected and the people in question are not ones I even wanted to run back into. Oh well.
So now my weekend is half over with. Hung out with “little brother” last night till late watching a series and talking. Tonight I went to church then had a friend over…we watched movies and she is spending the night. As for tomorrow or wait later on today… I am supposed to see [the guy] and spend some time with him. He is taking me somewhere and won’t tell me where. Oh well guess it will be a surprise for me. Well it is really late in the morning and I am listening to The Wallflowers. I must pass out before the sun starts coming up (even though it’s not that late yet). Guess the point of this whole thing is I am happy in this moment, and that is good enough for me.

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Talk Tonight

“Right now, at this moment, life is good. I guess that’s all that matters.” – Unknown

What if we could just talk right now… I don’t want to wait. Let’s talk until the sun comes up. I want to get to know you better but I am scared too. About me…I am such a night owl. I have some of my best moments at 2 or 3 in the morning or so I thought. For a long time now I had checked out of my life. I was just working to pay the bills…and watching TV series on amazon prime when not doing school work or going to night class. I have friends and I am very in touch with people on a daily basis. I am not a loner by any means. I find that what catches me the most is fantasy or science fiction and I can immerse myself in a great story or world. Makes real life dull somewhat in comparison. Lots of things I have done in my past in my life have jaded, hardened, and made me a very cynical person. I have lots of brick walls and barriers up to protect myself. I thought of it as my favorite story from when I was little… a little golden book called The Monster at the end of this Book. I will save you all the suspense as Grover himself is the monster that he was so scared of being at the end of the book…so scared he tries to stop you from getting to the end.

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On one page he even builds a brick wall as you can see the wreckage in the picture above to stop you from turning one of the pages. I have been so scared to be hurt again or be vulnerable that I have all of these walls in place. I am not sure how to break down all of those walls I have constructed. Do I even want to? I guess with the fact that I am writing this I have been contemplating doing so… There is someone I have been getting to know. We have a lot in common. I fear if I keep all of the walls up I will miss out is what I am saying. I don’t want to miss out in any way I guess even if I end up getting hurt in the end. What is that quote, oh yea…

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

I guess this sums up my position on most recent life developments.

On another note I have been watching a fantastic series… Fringe. I am in the third season now. I don’t know why I never came across it before. I love the story line and my favorite character is Peter Bishop. I tend to be more like prime Olivia in my own life… very guarded and well like everything I have already stated above. Maybe it is time to take some chances again.

(This month every blog post will have a song title for its title) Can you tell me without googling it who’s song this is? That is the question…

This Little LIGHT of Mine

let-it-shine-3-aspirers-camp-1024x723I have been reflecting back on where God has been so good to me this past 6 weeks… really quite visible ways that have showed me just HOW MUCH he cares about me. Before I had my surgery I was in full on PANIC MODE! I knew I needed to get the surgery done to escape full on cancer but what I didn’t have was any sick time or vacation time left at work…and a girl’s got to pay the rent (oh and other bills). I prayed about what to do… The next day the owner of my company called me into his office and told me that he appreciated all my hard work and he would pay me 40 hours a week while recovering at home. I was so SHOCKED to say the least (I later went and gave him a hug to say a big thank you)! I also had a week the third week where I only worked half days but he gave me another week with 40 hours pay. The 4th week was harder as I myself worked a full work week and I thought I was doing good until the weekend after I became very sick. 😦 I slept the whole weekend away trying desperately to get better. It didn’t help. I went to the Doc on Monday and ended up being so sick I missed the entire 5th week of work. I again was in a panic… rent is due the first of the month and I didn’t have enough money to pay it. I prayed. I tried to enjoy what I had of an extra long weekend due to Labor Day. Went in on Tuesday trying to figure how much I would have to come up with for rent when to my utter shock the owner AGAIN paid the difference of the hours that I didn’t have in sick time for missing a whole week of work!!! So along with receiving our commissions as well I have enough money to pay my rent. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

GROWTH MOMENT: So I have been reading this book by DeVon Franklin called Produced by Faith: Enjoy Real Success without Losing Your True Self. I find it SO inspiring and I am just on page 50… I am really savoring the book slowly and taking it all in. Well on Wednesday we have our usual customer service meeting at work… the owner announced a promotion of a co-worker to manager over customer service and some web stores. He also introduced that he will have a customer supervisor position as well that will report to the manger of customer service and help us out. We were to email him if we were interested in the position. Me and my normal (past behavior) would have impulsively just emailed the owner saying I was interested in the position. Did I actually go ahead and email the owner right away like I would have done in the past??? NO. The first thing I did when I got back to my desk was pray about it and ask God if this job opportunity was something in HIS WILL for me that I do. I prayed. I also pondered what it would mean if I got the position. I asked a close friend at work who would not be up for the promotion what they thought about it… What did I end up doing about the position you may ask? I never emailed the owner about it. I felt it wasn’t the right fit for the person God wants me to become nor was it really what I truly wanted. I honestly which is sad would never have thought to pray to God about a promotion at work or even if I should go for a new position. The book I am reading has opened my eyes to so much. God wants to direct our paths and decisions (Bible says so in Proverbs 3:5-6)! So from here on out I plan to consult God on any decisions I need to make. Praise the Lord that he listens and answers prayers. Not always in the way we want but He does. I can attest to that.

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So the title of my blog also happens to be the title of one of my favorite songs. I grew up singing it in church and I always have loved it. There is a new version I found that is performed by Addison Road… here are the lyrics:

There’s a little flame inside us all
Some shine bright, some shine small
The rains will come and the waters rise
But don’t you ever lose your light
In this life you will know
Love and pain, joy and sorrow
So when it hurts, when times get hard
Don’t forget whose child you are

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

May you live each day with no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide when you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child’s heart
With the ones you love treasure the time
And for those who are gone keep their memories alive
Hold on to your dreams don’t ever let go
There’s a fire inside you burning with hope

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There will be days when you want to give up
When the clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don’t you ever forget

One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus’ face
So until then I’m gonna to try
To brave the dark and let my little light shine

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There’s a little light inside us all…

Let us always remember who’s child we really are! Let us pray to the Father of us all! Let us share all the glorious things He has done for us as a testimony of His wonderful love for us! Let us show others so we will point them to the Lord, God Almighty!

Let your light shine to everyone around you! 😉