Life without…

I keep being reminded of people from my past. Hurtful and very painful things to remember. Wishing I could shut my mind off. There seems often times like there is no hope left. It has been years, yet somehow I still love you. That saying, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” is total bullshit. At times I think it would be better to just be lonely…than to know what it feels like to be wanted and then discarded like trash. Bitter much you might ask? The longer I am by myself and single the worse it gets, unless I can turn off the thinking about it and be carefree. Till I see a reminder of who I once was… hearing a nickname on a show that brings me back to when I was called that. Never thought in a million years that would happen and tonight it did. Wonders never cease, but it made me miss someone I never thought I would. I used to be your “Care” as in care bear, which sounds so stupid to me now, but was so endearing at the time.

So no I don’t want to care about it, you, or my past memories. I wonder how many people can break my heart? How many times can it mend and I keep on going…? I consider myself lucky as I have dated quite a few souls but only really “loved” three in my life thus far.

My first love was like a breath of fresh air. Scary and unbalanced but it was real. We could talk about anything and I could be completely myself around him. I still talked to him up until last year. Now I can’t reach my oldest friend. I think the keeping him around even all these years later has been a blessing and a curse. Then there was another love who we kept missing each other. What I mean is due to circumstances between a long distance relationship to miscommunication it wasn’t meant to be…he was also a dear friend who I could call up at any time. One of the things I miss about him is our hours of conversation and when I was upset he would sing to me. When we had the chance to be around each other you could tell that the appropriate sparks were flying. Then where was the final one I loved. Called me “Care” for care bear and sometimes called me his grumpy care bear… There once was a good side to him that loved me but once his Dad passed he became someone else…and though it dragged on for such a while it ended in disaster.

So now that I have enlightened you with my tale of woe, I must try to find some peace.

Adieu

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Until it’s gone

I couldn’t have said it any better than exactly how F Scott Fitzgerald stated it… that you can’t find the same love twice. But, I have to hope that if I found someone who loves me for exactly who I am and still to this day he still does that I can find someone else who will… the reason I need to find this other person who will it is because for certain reasons I can never be with the first that I have mentioned. So I travel on this journey which has become my life and enjoy the path not knowing the destination I will end up at…

‘Cause finding what you got sometimes
Means finding it alone
And I can finally see your light
When I let go

‘Cause you don’t know what you’ve got
Until it’s gone

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I have always just had one wish. I just want to be happy. That might just sound simple to you but it is not always so simple of a wish to have truth be told. You can’t be happy all the time. You make mistakes. Your heart gets broken. You learn. Times doesn’t heal all wounds but it does help some what to plaster over the cracks. Letting you fill in the gaps and move on. My journey remains the same as it always has been. When asked what I am looking for I always will answer to be happy and to find someone who loves me for me…

I want to know that someone misses me when I am gone. I am a very special person with a lot of love to share. I deserve someone who appreciates me. Who treats me like I am one in a million. I would like someone who shares my love of traveling and hockey…but not a deal breaker. All I end up meeting as of late are rude individuals who almost instantly start trying to coerce me into having sex with them. Or individuals who have so many things on their record (arrests for drugs, violence,  assault, theft,  etc.) that I definitely want to run in the opposite direction post-haste!

So I have to say working on myself is in order this year. From growing my hair back out, to loosing weight, to dating again (looking for non-criminals only, and being happy in the moment like the pic below states. I want to travel more. See more new places. Meet new people. Go see more hockey games and see my Halloween hockey game. Dance in the rain. See a concert. Smile more. Sing a song at the top of my lungs while driving brings me peace… what makes you happy?

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#Peace within

God knew who I would become before my parents even thought of having me. God formed me in the womb. He choose me as a child of God before I was born. What a marvelous awe inspiring concept.

Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Ecclesiastes 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
So on this journey sometimes I have not really loved myself as the person who was specially formed and created by God as one of His own. It has been when I was running away and trying to do life my way. It left me empty, sad, lost, lonely, depressed, and so much more. I had to realize that the old me didn’t realize the sacrifice that Jesus made for me personally. If I had been the only lost sheep He still would have come down to this earth and died on the cross. FOR ME! How could I not love, trust, have faith, and care about one who went through so much so I could be forgiven for all of my sins (1 John 1:9) and become a child of God through His sacrifice? When I do not love all of my which includes my overweight body how does that show faith in God’s plan? Well it doesn’t really show trust or faith in His promises in the Bible.
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I don’t have to understand every thing God does but His peace which surpasses all understanding will guard my heart and my mind. When I struggle to be at #peace with my body or the storm raging around me I need to pray. I need to lean on bible promises like the one below which is a FAVORITE #bibleverse of mine…
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10
One person who might have had a problem with events that happened to him was Joseph. So many things happened to him and most of them were bad. 10 brothers who were jealous of his status as favorite son. Dreams that he told that made not only the jealous siblings more jealous but even his father thought something might be wrong with him. Mother who died giving birth to his little brother. Then when told to go check on the 10 jealous brothers by his father the same family members sell him to a traveling caravan. Drugged to Egypt and sold as a slave to Potiphar. Put over Potiphar’s whole house hold… Assaulted by Potiphar’s wife..then put in prison. Made overseer of the prison. Two prisoners come in and have dreams which are explained by Joseph (with God’s help). One is put to death in 3 days…just like the dream. One is brought back to his position but does he remember Joseph like he said he would? Um no not at all… Joseph stays in jail for another TWO YEARS. Then Pharaoh has dreams that no one can interpret for him. Then the ex-prisoner remembers Joseph. Pharaoh send for Joseph. Joseph tells Pharaoh what the dreams mean by telling him first it is not Joseph but God who will explain to Pharaoh what the dreams are about. Then Joseph goes ahead and tells Pharaoh that he should setup someone to make sure Egypt makes it through the years of famine.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble,

2 Peter 1:3-10

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I have read this story so many times… what I keep seeing that astounds me. No complaining from Joseph at all is mentioned. Joseph had serious FAITH in God. I also kept seeing the phrase, “the LORD was with Joseph”. What if I consciously kept saying that phrase to myself… when bad things happen or good ones… “the LORD was with Carolyn”. What a difference that would make in my life and my struggles. All of my stress, my weight issues, my anger problem, family drama, and so much more would benefit from repeating that phrase. It would also fit the phrase I picked to work on from 2 Peter 1:3-10… PERSEVERANCE. I want to work on the ability to follow through with the issues I need to deal with and work on… I need perseverance to continue on with the journey and not give up so easily. (Which I happen to do quite easily most of the time). You see it is easy to keep saying yes to things but the Imagefollow up and finishing the project is where I am lacking. Like loosing weight for instance because I have done it before. I lost 25 pounds easy. Why can’t I do that now? I lack motivation to start what I need to do and I lack perseverance to finish the race. Our Bible study tonight was very motivational for me. One of the activities was to write a new plan for action of a way to get up and move… I shared my plan with you on the left as you can see… We were also then to right our name in the verse to make it personal. It sounds true to me that my flesh and heart may fail me and truth be told they have a few times before…BUT the good news (the hope you might say) is that GOD is the strength I need to keep going. Isn’t that the truth for us all? If we have faith in God’s promises (like the one I personalized) then we have the hope and peace that comes from putting all of our mistakes, failures, and problems in God’s hands. We can truly, “Let go, and Let God“.
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I will call upon your name…
and keep my eyes above the waves
when oceans rise
my soul will rest
in your embrace
for I am yours
and you are mine.
your grace abounds
in deepest waters
your sovereign hand
will be my guide
where feet may fail
and fear surrounds me
you’ve never failed
and you won’t start now…
Words from the song Oceans (Where feet may fail) by Hillsong United that I shared at the first of this blog.
This song gives me #peace within.
May I continue to say, “the LORD was with Carolyn” all the days of my life…