Life without…

I keep being reminded of people from my past. Hurtful and very painful things to remember. Wishing I could shut my mind off. There seems often times like there is no hope left. It has been years, yet somehow I still love you. That saying, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” is total bullshit. At times I think it would be better to just be lonely…than to know what it feels like to be wanted and then discarded like trash. Bitter much you might ask? The longer I am by myself and single the worse it gets, unless I can turn off the thinking about it and be carefree. Till I see a reminder of who I once was… hearing a nickname on a show that brings me back to when I was called that. Never thought in a million years that would happen and tonight it did. Wonders never cease, but it made me miss someone I never thought I would. I used to be your “Care” as in care bear, which sounds so stupid to me now, but was so endearing at the time.

So no I don’t want to care about it, you, or my past memories. I wonder how many people can break my heart? How many times can it mend and I keep on going…? I consider myself lucky as I have dated quite a few souls but only really “loved” three in my life thus far.

My first love was like a breath of fresh air. Scary and unbalanced but it was real. We could talk about anything and I could be completely myself around him. I still talked to him up until last year. Now I can’t reach my oldest friend. I think the keeping him around even all these years later has been a blessing and a curse. Then there was another love who we kept missing each other. What I mean is due to circumstances between a long distance relationship to miscommunication it wasn’t meant to be…he was also a dear friend who I could call up at any time. One of the things I miss about him is our hours of conversation and when I was upset he would sing to me. When we had the chance to be around each other you could tell that the appropriate sparks were flying. Then where was the final one I loved. Called me “Care” for care bear and sometimes called me his grumpy care bear… There once was a good side to him that loved me but once his Dad passed he became someone else…and though it dragged on for such a while it ended in disaster.

So now that I have enlightened you with my tale of woe, I must try to find some peace.

Adieu

Supernatural

     I have just gotten hooked on this show Supernatural. It revolves around these two brothers (Dean and Sam aka Sammie) who hunt things [ghosts, demons, spirits, vampires, warewolves, etc.]. They go around trying to save people from what is out there… the episode I just watched they went after a djinn which is basically a genie. Not like any story of one you and I have ever heard of let me tell you.  (*spoilers coming if you haven’t seen this episode yet in season 2 close to the end of that season)
     You see this djinn makes you see your life how you wish it was and you are in a dream like state while it drains your blood and feeds off of you. Until you die of course from blood loss eventually. Now Dean and Sam were hunting this creature and Dean went to go check out where the djinn might be hiding…even though Sam wanted for them both to go check it out. Dean gets captured by the djinn who shows him how he wishes his life had been… his mom being alive, Dean settled down with a girl, Sam in law school still and now engaged to Jessica, and only thing that is the same is their dad is dead. Everyone keeps noticing how different Dean is acting like… when he found his mom alive and was so happy to see her it really got to me.
     What I would wish if I could. I would want my mom around, and how she used to be…before my dad divorced her. She just has gone downhill so much to the point where I find it better not to talk to her… she has dated one loser after another plus I am very positive she is taking drugs… she acts like she isn’t but when we did talk she was always asking for money and stuff. She doesn’t work and her whole situation is everyone else’s fault but her own… it has been almost two years that I haven’t spoken with my mom. She’s not dead like Dean and Sam’s mom. She even lives close to me in the same town even yet the person she is now is no one I want to have in my life. Sad but the truth.
     In the end Dean makes it out of the trance the djinn put him in…Sam ends up saving him. That episode like all things came to an end… happier than some as both brothers have each other and they verbalize how much they appreciate having family to count on… So whatever your family situation, be it not so dire as Dean and Sammie’s, make a point while you have those you can count on to let them know just how much they mean to you…  seize the day!

Till next time, carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more…

Dreaming

Dreaming. Lots of us have dreams at night. Do you remember yours? I have always been one who has had very vivid dreams and when I wake up I do remember a great deal of what they were about… guess the reason for this post at this time is I had a dream last night, one I remember very well, and I felt writing about this topic might help the feelings I have lingering around after waking up. I rarely have nightmares. Speaking of last night it sometimes feels like I am…

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And when I dream I feel like I haven’t gotten the best sleep…it feels like I was watching a movie [just how real my dreams feel sometimes]. I was at a wedding for a friend and the person who was seating folks was being rude for some reason. Then it switched to a friend of mine trying to get me to talk to “you” and I didn’t want to because I feel like you have been avoiding me. I don’t even try to text “you” anymore because of this fact. But I then see “you” right in front of me in my dream. How “you” used to look because we haven’t seen each other in a few years. Every time I end up seeing “you” in a dream when I wake I have these intense feelings of loneliness. That hurts even worse then seeing “you” in the dream. Knowing I haven’t been able to talk to “you” or even know if “you” are okay… my dreams betray me and I know just how much I do miss “you” but I can’t do anything about it. So I go on with my life.

Then I also have had some reoccurring dreams in the past. Let me tell you about those…I always start out in a different location be it an empty hospital or building in a city… and while trying to navigate around I run into scared individuals who I take with me and protect from whatever it is that is looking for us. I never see what that is I just know that we are in constant danger and I have to keep myself and the others safe.

I also have had dreams of an ex of mine. Those are never so pleasant. He was such an ass so he is in the dreams. Other times he is nice to me which was very rare when we were dating but happened. I don’t generally speaking like the dreams that have him in it. I have had my fair few of them nonetheless.

I had a dream once of my childhood home yet in my dream it had multiple stories when mine did not…but I have a wolf or two chasing after me in that house. That dream was pretty terrifying. Yet for some reason I felt safer in that moment as I knew I was in my house… wierd i know tell me about it.

I watch a lot of movies that deal with zombies, warewolves, vampires, ghosts, and all other sorts of fantasy creatures so I do occasionally have dreams with them in it… but actually not that often as I might think I would… here’s to wishing I have a dream located in Middle Earth and I am an elf!

Have you ever heard of those folks who say they can control what they dream about? I am not so sure about that to be honest. I wouldn’t dream of all the stuff I have if I could control what I dream  about. I would dream of this:

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I do love orcas. They are beautiful creatures! I know that it is said your unconscious is where your dreams come from…what your deepest desires and wants are… what is troubling or distressing you. Not sure what is true but yet I continue to dream alot. And remember what I have dreamt more then am able to forget it.

Any weird or nice dreams you have had that you feel like sharing in the comments below…

*”You” was a reference to an old flame in High School who I ran back into later on and whom has never quite left my affections. My dreams won’t let me either apparently so I try in vain to move on.*

Despair

Don’t go down into the pit of dispair
Where blackness hides the stars or any light
Blindness overtakes the windows of your soul
Never to feel the warmth of happiness again
Woe to that poor wandering vagabond
Who has not heard the warnings of the siren
Might he have been saved from this perilous trip
But that he climb out of the pitch black pit
Reclaim his spot under the celestial globe
That rules the daylight hours
And the twinkling and dazzling night sky
That have seen many a vagabond never to return…

Seasons: Fall

I can always tell when the seasons are changing. I love Fall. The days start staying cooler with nice breezes. The nights are the same with crisp night air plus all the stars a shining… the heat is not as oppressive. And for Texas that is saying something! There are campfires and so many more things I like doing outdoors once the temps allow. Takes me to a happy place. So that is all my friends… adieu.

Celebrate your Recovery

Are you unhappy with how your life is going? Do you happen to have a hurt, habit, or hang up you can’t figure out how to deal with? I suggest finding a local Celebrate Recovery meeting near you. I have from time to time had either a hurt, habit, or hang up that I just felt like no one else could relate with me…like I was all alone. What I see now is that was all in my head. When a friend invited me to come one night…I had already heard another speaker come to my church and talk about how Celebrate Recovery helped her out. You can check out her blog here… Same Dress Different Day. It was like God was giving me a nudge both times towards His recommendation on how to get my life going in the right direction.

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So I went to a meeting. I found out that I am not alone. There were people there who just listen to me. I am not judged. I have support from people who have been where I was and are where I want to go on the road for my recovery. They can share with me ways they found to help them make the positive changes I hope to make in my life. I have great accountability partners and a great sponsor. Plus they say the safest place to be on a Tuesday night is at Celebrate Recovery. What is said in group stays in group. They mean it! So no worries about people gossiping or your darkest thoughts being shared. Totally confidential. Kind of like the phrase, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…”

The focus is totally faith based and we look to God for our strength. Prayer starts and ends the meetings. Bible verses are used in the step studies [where you work the 12 steps]. One of my favorites from the step study I am in now is this one:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

We also look at the serenity prayer. Sometimes recently when I am stressed or angry I will recite what I can remember from that prayer. While doing this it helps me calm down and put things into perspective. I have a copy of that below. I also hope that anyone who might be looking for a change in their lives or have a hurt, habit, or hang up they need help with see this blog. They realize they are not alone. I am here for you. So are the folks at your local celebrate recovery group.

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–If you want to sing out, sing out–

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I have always found this song very incouraging. The verses go like this… “if you want to sing out, sing out…and if you want to be free, be free… ’cause there’s a million things to be you know that there are” and then the chorus “–You can do what you want–the opportunity’s on–and if you can find a new way–you can do it today–you can make it all true–and you can make it undo–you see–its easy–” I see it as a reality that there are many possibilites out there for me and for you. In the same respect this goes towards other outlets we use. For instance, social media outlets, we have the control over what we post on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumbler, WordPress (or blog site),etc… either it be for good or bad–the choice is yours.

I’ll be the first one to admit that I used to be quite the complainer–always going on and on about all the crud in my life that I couldn’t stand. I then looked at my constant negativity and realized that I needed a change. I needed to be a “light” to draw people towards the positive and point them to Jesus rather then a the alternative. So know I post uplifting photos and statuses. Sometimes I wonder if they do any good… Then I get confirmation every once in a while that someone has been benefiting from them–that it was just what they needed to see that day. It makes me realize that even when I don’t know for sure if I am making a difference to keep going…Jesus knows.

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So carry on. Fight the good fight. Be positive. Post things that uplift and point towards Jesus! You will at least lift yourself up in the process even if you don’t get confirmation you are making a difference I will bet you that you are!

“Finally, bretheren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things.” ~ Philippians 4:8