Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone

I have always loved the premise of this movie. Have a relationship. Get close to someone and then have your heart broken. After that you get a nifty little procedure done that rids you of all the memories of that person. But the irony of the whole thing is that the two main characters end up meeting again… they fall in love again. Brilliant! I really like stories that have somewhat quirky plots such as this.

Memories are such funny things. They can make you happy, or sad, and sometimes angry. I have so many that sometimes they can overwhelm me and depress me as well. I feel that most of the time the reason that a relationship didn’t work out for me is because it was never meant to be… the hardest one to get over was the one I was with the longest. We lived together the entire time almost that we were together. We met at where I worked. He came through my check out line and asked me for my phone number. Oh if I could go back and not give it to him… how much different would my life be? Our first date he picked me up from work and had a rose in the seat. We went out to eat with his best friend and his girlfriend then went to go see a movie. At that time right before I was living at my Dad’s and he told me that he didn’t give us 6 months… so I guess I wanted to prove him wrong.

So after about the first week I started living with Jason. I thought at first that the little fights we would have were just from trying to get to know one another…from not being used to living together. It’s hard for me to remember much good about that time. I do remember that when he would get up to go to work he would kiss me goodbye. I just got so used to living with someone and sleeping next to someone. That is what hurt the most afterwards. The feeling of complete loneliness I felt sleeping alone might be why I prefer sleeping on the couch rather then on my bed.

He started saying things to me… mean hurtful things and then was like I was just kidding. I always remember this time I was standing in the kitchen. I was very upset later on in our relationship because what guy only wants to have sex with you once a month? Really?  So I was talking to him about that while making dinner. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I was thinking the whole time oh how sweet… I couldn’t have been more wrong. He told me the reason he didn’t want to have sex with me was for a couple of reasons. One was he wanted me to get back down in weight to what I was when we first met… and he said something else then he told me that he didn’t want me to end up looking like my mom. I was speechless at the time. Looking back on it I wish I had turned around and slapped him hard. Looking back I know he was verbally abusive and I just took it. Finally his friends told him that he was being an ass to me and he didn’t know how to stop being that way so we broke up.

For some reason we did get back together but I was the one to finally end it. I remember 2 weeks before I did we had this conversation… when he was mad at me he would always say that I needed to go to my Dad’s for a few days. I would fight back saying I payed the rent too and so I wasn’t going anywhere. This night in particular he was pissing me off. So I told him I was going to take a few days and stay at my Dad’s house. He was sitting on the couch looking up at me and had this cocky smirk on his face. He said, ” You’ll never leave me…” and it was 2 weeks to the day of him making that statement that I did in fact leave him. Next door to us his best friend lived. I had grown close to his wife. We talked after he left so I could get some of my stuff out of the house. I stayed to long talking. As I was pulling out he was coming back…he followed me and waved me down. So I stopped to hear what he had to say… the first thing out of his mouth was “go put your crap back in the house”. Isn’t that so romantic? NOT! In that conversation he couldn’t tell me he loved me but that he liked me. So that was it for me and I told him no way and I was done.

I don’t think I have ever had a healthy relationship in my life. Either I liked him way more or he liked me more than I liked him. But you can get so caught up in the looks you get. Or the physical interactions between you that it feels right… when in reality it is nothing but oh so wrong.

I believe as human beings we were made to crave affection and connection from others. We have this need to feel loved. We receive it sometimes hopefully from our parents or at least from one parent if we get lucky. We can also get it from our extended family there again if we get lucky. Some get lucky enough to get it from a spouse. In the end no one really wants to be alone. It comes down to choice then. I feel that I choose to remain alone because it is easier than all the messy feelings and problems that come into your life from a relationship. It is just hard as you know to be alone once you have lived with someone. All the closeness you miss. Sleeping alone for me as you could have guessed is the worst…but after time it get easier. It gets where it doesn’t even bother you most of the time… I might change my mind in the future…who knows? Until then I will enjoy my time being single. I can come and go as I please. I have lots of friends who I do things with. I am free!

Until next time…catch you on the flip side!